tell me you love me

"Tell me you love me."
No, I will not.

I cannot tell you something I do not mean.
I will not give you the wrong idea.
I refuse to let another day,
another hour,
another minute,
another second go by and let you think I love you.

I will not tell you how beautiful is your simple smile.
I will not tell you how happy you make me feel through texts.
I will not compare you to the stars that are out of reach.
I will not tell you that the time we spent is as if the world stops,
Like the moments are spent on cloud 9 with the mockingbirds flying through our pages,
because I cannot let you think we are an open book where the garden sprouts to life.

We are not. 

We are the aftermath of deforestation.
We are ripped roots that are replaced by metal rods
used to create the largest skyscrapers the world has ever seen.
Spending time with you is nothing like the clouds because our love is not a dense fog,
with repetitive, overplayed motifs that others have used
and will drain us from our uniqueness that I crave when you're far.

My world doesn't stop when you look at me.
It doesn't pause when we touch.
It quickens like my heart rate.
Like you're dangling me over a cliff
because you're always pushing me close to my limit of patience.

Time speeds up because I know
that the few hours we have left
with each other will come to an abrupt end
and soon
I'll be on the bus going back to my house. 
Not my home,
for my home is where my heart is.
I've made one inside your veins which will pump through your body
along with every thought you have of me like I have of you.

Every memory of our hours is closer than any star will be
and our love wouldn't die in a matter of years because even when we lie stiff on our backs,
pushing purple hydrangeas,
clinging to the thought of abstract ideas.
Our ashes will still float through the atmosphere
farther than any star has ever been.

That idea,
that dream,
is what keeps me,
not happy but joyous
like the celebration of a beginning that started from you asking me if I was okay
through a text.

And it will be that text I cannot forget because it is revived every time I see,
or think of your smile that is overpowered by your crooked teeth,
that has a sparkle even in the dimmest light which also revives my soul
and reminds me why
I agreed that I
was sure I
was ready to be with you.

So no, I don't love you.
I can't love you because it does not explain how much you really mean to me.
So all I can say is thank you for being here to experience this with me.

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