Suicidal Thoughts Are One of the Most Heartbreaking Sadnesses I Can Think of

Suicidal thoughts are one of the most heartbreaking sadness I can think of
God be with me I’d often say as I prayed for God up above
As torn and depressed I’ve often been that I’ve contemplated taking a drastic step in ending my life
I’ve often felt that I lost all control of my life so suicide is what my brain tells me from inside
You’ve only seen me as my inside was dying you only saw my outer side
I’ve cried out for help and the world it seems doesn’t care about me it’s so sad
Suicide seems to be the only effective method I have when things and times were bad
I often feel that I’m out of options and I am really exhausted so I’m thinking to end my life to end me
I can’t recognize beauty in life when all I do is fight for myself when you bully me and myself I despise
Staring at myself in the mirror only makes me angrier and I have to hide within my disguise
I’m feeling hopeless, what do I have to live for, and why does it matter
I don’t like being a burden to others so I think must go
Never to be a problem within your web of hatred towards me that’s low
I feel so isolated within my own world and pain
Nothing at all ever seems to feel the same
Echoing inside my ears is a bitterness and pain I fear
The pain within me so deep feels like its rotting my soul it seems clear
I have a full cabinet of pills and plenty of knifes to cut my throat to bleed
Can’t you just stop hurting me and open your eyes to see
The end often feels near and not so far away with these thoughts of mine running my heart
Where do I go and who do I turn to for a place to start
I often wonder why my life seems to slowly get worse with each breath I take
Should I try again to end my life in what mistakes I’ve made
Will I succeed or just stay in this misery
What emotions come over me will be of failure once more in scary unbeautiful scenery
If I cut myself deep enough will I be swimming in a pool of blood within my world of darkness
My thoughts are clouded with your dirty hands holding my neck so tightly in sickness
Will I be pulled under the blood that once filled my veins?
Will I cry out for help hoping someone hears me without my deaths remains
Or will I just hold my breath and let the blood do the rest
Within this pool of blood will my lungs that once held my life be drowning me at best
I use to stand alone at my own boundary of life between the morning light and darkness shadows
For your hatred towards me is no love but sorrow
All my strength and courage seems to be gone
What’s left for me to carry on
I feel like I’m losing consciousness
I don’t want to fight the beast in me with unconsciousness
The core of my soul is empty
I would think about suicide to end your abuse of me and how it’s tempting
Depression holds me tight
People bullying me isn’t helping me in this fight
What could I possibly have to share
I don’t even any longer really care
Is my task in life to be undone
I feel like you’ve dropped a huge amount of bricks that feel on my chest like a ton
Will I live in death in the middle of heaven and hell
I feel like I’m a step away from God’s paradise and no more living in this darkened cell
The look upon my face I’m sure is a time for me to leave this place The pain you’ve caused me has nothing to gain
My perception of myself is from years of bullying and abuse
I must set myself free and leave this place within myself you’ve used
What else in my life do I have to lose
Maybe reasoning is stupid or even unimportant to you but, to me that’s all I see I can’t breath
Seizing the moment isn’t what was supposed to happen
Why must I pay attention to your bullying like it’s a total assassin
I sometimes fill that pins are poking within my skin
When all I want to do is choke because you’re holding my neck so tightly I’m almost breathless
Your unkindness intoxicated me with so many different fears
You conceal your evidence of bullying me as if nothing ever happened I’m living with these tears
I feel this achiness within my gut that I want to die
Suicide I thought was my other and only option
I feel my blood within my veins is your absorption
Suicidal thoughts are one of the most heartbreaking sadnesses I can think of
God be with me I’d often say as I prayed for God up above

Written and Copyrights By: Deanna M. Culver
May 28, 2013