strangers again

You were a stranger. Stranger than me? not by a long shot

friend, I’d see you, you “see” me. As someone deeper, perhaps deeper than the rest.

I saw you, changing your hair, awkward, wavering eyes,

your hands intertwined with Michael, Michelangelo

long ago, stranger became enstrangled.

my genderless mind debating 

whether to enter your socially nervous life

I saw you for who you were behind wavering eyes as I

did most. that is my flaw. but of course i couldn’t help it. I saw your soul. i dove

   in. 

I dove into a new world, our unorthodox paradoxes clashing each summer night, through every long hike, four miles to the nearest llama and alpaca farm, friend. 

underneath cool down sheets, snuggling because why the fuck not

rooftop snooping, you know, through that window you’d escape when the yelling got so bad?

incense. i was indoctrinated into your life now, it hurt my lungs and that wall blanket thing was an ugly shade of green (still is, take it down), but i learned to love the grit. 

shit doesn’t define us, or so your self help books told me. 

that cake was so good by the way tell your Grandma (or whatever you call her, it might be NaiNai) I said thanks and the idea of Cali walks with coffee shops was sweet to the mouth of my mind you introduced me to that 

side of myself i didnt, couldnt find in churches. tattoos and good vibes replaced rosaries and 10% tithes 

in this makebelieve all inclusive share your secrets lets get deep as shitkinda world but i saw you for your soul 

and i live as mine.

No, i actually didnt have fun at that concert. In a perfect theoretical world yeah ed sheeran and Wendy’s would rock my world like Harrison Ford proposing to “who..ME??”

ok, maybe not that extreme

but honey, can i call you bee, you were a theoretical friend to me

i tried to make it work like that super expensive spa makeup we “tried on” at that hotel 

but no, forgive me but i tied to fix you at the same time i was looking for happiness in all the wrong places (that monq essential oil crap doesn’t drive away the demons i want it to) 

i separated fun me from me me and you began to, not intentially (or intentionally, maybe you’re secretly evil) feed on me like that green tea starbucks shit you used to love 

HE took all your love and you separated yourself too 

i begged you not to separate yourself, especially on December 17th, you know, the cut that went too deep?

forced to text your mother to spare her surprising grief

from her cancer surviving depression supplying good vibe enticing suicidal and surprising   

daughter a stranger suddenly my sister replacing my life, he didn’t fail to replace your time 

never hated you for the grit, there for you til the end, there for you through the shit 

I still have that three paragraph text i sent you, promising friendship 

I was losing you, knew it. your life was beginning in a van down in SanFran i tried to buy you with bunnies and lighters, 

jk i did that because i cared

and i sill do 

friends for so long, though it was really only a year or two

now less wavering eye contact than even before we were strangers 

we were strangers

we were friends 

it got intense 

a text wont do it, those things you like to hide behind 

you wanted happiness and a girl who cared too much for your safety could never supply it 

i failed and it haunts me, but you’re happy so i wont flip him off, just enjoy those close to you

strangers again ok. 

PS: your illness didnt “drive” me away, you didnt need me because i wasnt essential to your goals.