a ma lingering effect from angst riddled adolescence written some years ago, the psycho social mental eventsindelible imprint etched psyche ova this pa on a win tree day hencethough a survivor of self starvation i yam confounded what drove this emotional, physical and spiritual senseless (and socially costly) ambition to die with fur ventssee, that invariably can let me be linkedin to other gals or gentsenduring the quotidian onslaught of this immenselee debilitating illness of the mind, where emaciation reveals abs centsof properly healthy flesh, which grim reaper insignia viz skull and cross bones readies to snatch a body to dispense. despite forty three birthdays elapsed since cataclysmic eruption rent asunderwhile ironclad maiden of deathly hallows claspedpsyche, an internal maelstrom wrenched worthiness pitting mien as blunder bulldozing with razorblades former childhood wondrous glee raising suicidequiet riotous ambition, a painfully slow (self starvation) mine inexorable ride which chronological frieze kept hog tied and hide bound this one grown maledredging haunting spectre – where to be gratefully dead – within elysian dale youngest o me two female progeny segued untrammeled ten plus eight years on february fourth two thousand seventeen triggers flashback to wretched tears sans that insidious roiling jagged stone shredding/ thwarting desire to be aliveshockwaves extant to this day - no matter long since recovered from nose dive emotional, psychological & social repercussions hound me present mental stateindelible permanent scars (per anxiety, panicky, quirky tics) seem never to abate try as I might to shake free from the riptide affects that drowned this boy to grow he experiences an especially perilous remembrance of that abysmal infernal woe when thee second punim o thine two lovely offspring passed that milestone agewith nary a hint how her papa felt locked up within his abysmal agonizing stage impossible to forgive permanent harm inflicted not only on self but searing painmy late mother & octogenarian father whose angst this dada insight re: did gain from bringing forth his own progeny each a smart reedexploring cornucopia of life experiences - unlike mice elf at their ageswhich years eclipsed at break neck speedwhereby each special daughter - daring to block and tackle challenges indeedwith greater rolly poe lee moxie engendering me to announce l'chaim qua greater self esteem they did feedevincing greater sturdiness akin to hardy weed bound to surpass their papa hemming and hawing way and boast(when and/or if they ever beget offspring) how coping with life coastthem manageable efforts versus permanently branding my youthful ghostof Christmases past - when ability to function as recipient per hostaverse to bing a guest, and easily mistaken for a stick figure or off fence postforever knowing potential to die, that burned life force like blackened toast and hunger pains even to this day frequently blithely ignored as if still calloustempted, lured and baited by hand of death this grown man wished inxs to kiss. this note originally composed, when psychologically poorwhen matthew dashed out the door and slightly updated with minor tweaks to bolster and shoreup with greater clarity, that perchance numbered fourtrying to retain the initial coresentiment when (a near futile) attempt made bon jovian jourto evoke slow burning suicide less or moreto ply tire less role of taxi for youngest daw tourwhose fifteenth birthday already whar.