I have been through much hurt,
I have been through much pain,
I have been through more than I should,
But I never complain
I care not for myself
but only for others,
Or that’s what I say,
until my self-worth runs into troubles
A joke here, a joke there
little do they know how much it stings,
until I respond,
then they call me a freak.
I try to be myself,
Until there’s competition.
I never could measure up,
that’s my life complication.
I scream, I cry
I throw things on the floor
I kick, I punch
I want to break down the door
When I scream, It’s in the pillow
When I cry it’s in my room
They can’t see this constant struggle
Or enter this treacherous doom.
I work daily to keep them from seeing,
this lonely world of hurt,
But as the pain keeps building,
I sink lower and lower into the dirt.
I found a way to ease the pain,
to make it hurt a little less.
It starts on my wrist and moves to my legs,
can you make a little guess?
When I am hurt beyond belief,
I run home and shut off the lights,
Then lock my door in tears,
To hide from anyone in sight.
I am scared of what I may do,
but the fear does not stop me
from desiring that painful release,
that causes my problems to flee.
For just a moment I am okay,
as I watch the shiny read stream
drip from my wrist to the floor,
drop after drop, the puddles agleam.
I do this day after day,
I don’t expect you to get it,
when pain is all you’ve felt,
it’s hard for you not to want it.
This pattern continues,
I thought I would improve,
I did not tell anyone,
I know they wouldn’t approve.
But my friends found out,
I had to tell them the story,
I made promises to stop,
and told them I was sorry.
It was fine for a while,
they finally understood,
but then something happened,
the worst of the worst, it wasn’t good.
My parents found out,
they weren’t the least bit happy,
they blamed themselves,
Especially my daddy.
I did things I don’t want to discuss
except that guilt overcame me.
I sank deeper and deeper,
until the world almost took me.
I try to regain my stand
but I can’t stop myself from falling,
there’s no one there to help me up
so I just keep on crawling.
I raise my head for just a moment,
I see them all around me,
holding out hands to help me up,
And I realize that I can be free.
Do I even want to escape?
to get out of my world of despair?
to get out of constant darkness?
Do I even dare?
If I always keep my head down.
It will keep me from seeing,
all that life could have been,
if I wasn’t thinking about me.
I will keep my head raised high,
So that I can see,
that glorious light above,
that always watched over me.