Before the year 2000, before I was born, my dad used to hit my mom. Somehow, they are still married, 27 years in June. I asked my sister why my mother would choose to stay with someone who had hurt her. She said it was the only way our mom knew how to be strong for us. from what I remember ( with the exception of flying beer cans and venomous words) he hasn't hurt her. Still, my life was pretty scary. When they'd argue I'd find refuge in the bathroom. I'd just lay on the floor. It was cold and lonely but better than seeing  my brother in between my parents' bulging eyes and clenched fists.  how brave my brother was. Then when I'd hear Vicente Fernandez through the speakers I knew it was over, for that day. In 5 th grade I started seeing the school counselor. As if squishing the foam world in my hand would help. Two days before my brother's birthday and in his presence, my father was arrested. He went to jail and saw the possibility of being deported. He wasn't. ( believe it or not we were all very grateful, he is our family after all... ) my mom welcomed him back into our home, accepting the Hopeful Promise of change. We were all sent to some special classes to make everything better. 

     My siblings say I've got it good. My mom isn't as strict and my dad isn't violent. It's true, I've never seen him hit her. But I got the aftermath. I got the depression lingering around the house. I got the lonely nights when my 16 year old sister would drown her sorrows in alcohol somewhere across the border, just like dad. I was expected to deal with everything and still somehow be sane. I had to watch as my siblings escaped this house and left. To school, to work, to friends, leaving me behind. Maybe i sound dramatic or like im exaggerating, but how i coped with these issues is something beyond even my understanding. My family asks why I have such a negative personality. Why I'm closed up about everything. I don't know. That's who I am. And I'm sorry that I'm fucking up the family peace.Because everything bad that happens to us , is my fault. That's what my daddy told me.