I have discovered my problem in the course of a psychology assignment.
We were supposed to diagnosis a fictional character with a psychological ailment.
I laughed at the onsight of this,
I thought it was just another way to achieve hit or miss.
I decided to write about a character on Spongebob that pisses me off,
& how I couldn't understand how he could live with himself w/o wandering off.
I chose to write about Squidward, and wow that assignment started off bitter;
but by the end of the assignment, I was nearly in tears--my writing was a real hitter.
I wrote how he seems to have lost his hope.
& how all he really does is walk around and mope.
I wrote how he has unfulfilled and repressed passions,
& how no one ever appreciates them with their actions.
I wrote how he hates his job,
and labels everyone around him a filty slob.
I wrote how he seems to have settled for the life he lives.
It is evident he's not happy where he's at, with the actions he gives.
I continued to write and diagnosed him with major despression...
"mood disorder.. worthlessness.. hopelessness". a real complex situation.
I realized that I was lowkey writing about myself.
I hid my face and drowned in tears until I had nothing left.
It's easy to poke fun at someone else,
until you realize that the same shit they're facing;
is the reality of all you have left.
Depression is a heavy word
and I don't want to diagnose myself
but I've certainly got the symptoms
& don't know really how to deal with myself..
In the meantime, I keep myself busy;
it's when I'm not doing anything that I put myself in the most misery.
When bored, my brain wonders to a time when days were better
and suns shined brighter.
Days when it'd rain,
but it never left too much pain
Days when my passions fueled my existence,
but now, the feelings are not as persistent.
I keep my schedule full.
my thoughts are sometimes too much for me to merely sit around and drool.
Sometimes it weighs me down so heavy..
But, I wake up, thank God for another day..
& pray that He will quiet the thoughts of my mind,
trying to lead me astray.
*These words, represent a moment of self-discovery and understanding. I'm not saying that I am depressed, merely saying I deal with depressive thoughts. This is dedicated to those to are truly depressed and can't find enough will power to get out of bed in the morning. I somewhat feel your pain. There is help out there for people with thoughts as ours, I pray you seek it, as I am.*