Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to not constantly Worry about what people think of me, to not wonder if that woman on the other side of the room - that hasn’t even looked in my direction - is laughing at me or laughing at the completely random joke hat her boyfriend just told her. Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to actually breathe and not feel like I’m constantly drowning in the nonexistent water, but the water that is made up of my own tears, my own thoughts, my own words. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to actually live, to live without being on the edge of my seat, to not continuously worry about what’s going to Happen next. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever actually want to get out of bed, to actually be motivated to do something great someday. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be full of myself, to not be full of self-doubt, to not second guess myself, to not overthink everything. Sometimes I wonder if maybe one day I’ll enjoy hearing my own voice, whether It be out loud, in a friends Snapchat video, or in my voicemail recording. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to not always be tired, to sleep for a full nine hours rather Than barely four, and feel energized in the morning like I was always told, or maybe to not sleep for 16 hours and feel like I’ve slept too much. Sometimes I wonder if I will want to stop eating, or maybe I’ll waNt to really eat for once. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll be able to lay in bed next to the love of my life without feeling claustrophobic, without feeling like I’m better off being in a bed alone. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to look my parents in the eye and tell the truth when I’ve done something wrong, Even when it hurts them and myself. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to not be trapped inside the pages of a book, filled with only the words that I’d hear in my darkest nightmares, filled with the stories and memories that I’d only die to get out of my mind. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be able to accept a compliment from somebody, to feel flattered when someone calls be beautiful, sexy, or when someone tells me I have a breathtaking smile. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever love myself, if I’ll ever look at myself and see the beautiful, kind, hardworking person that my mother sees, that my father is scared to let go of, that my sister looks up to, that my brothers protect. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like to grow up in a home with two parents who loved each other almost more than the beautiful children they created together, to see the table full of my favorite foods, only to be followed by my favorite desserts. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to have a pet, one that I would have grown up with, one that knows my scent even if I go away to college for three Years. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be confident enough in myself to do the sports that I love so much. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be able to belt out a high pitch and have millions of people call my name. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to have full faith in a system, to believe in something so greatly that it can push me to be a better person, to believe in something that can keep the demons out. Sometimes I wonder what it’s like to be able to let go of things that hurt me, to no longer let evil people use me for their own amusement, people who don’t even care about me. Sometimes I wonder if things would be easier if I could just slip into a deep sleep forever, if I could just leave everybody who cares about me behind and travel to a place where I no longer have to wonder about all the things that run through my head every night at 1:00AM. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever stop being afraid of everything.

Rudy Valle