Sometimes I feel like a loser…..
I lie in bed and I can feel cool air hit my hot skin on a scorching summer day. I think about the future and my stomach sinks. Sinks so low, that it turns into a pit. Tearing me open from all the emotions I’ve been bottling up inside. I’m scared and alone. I see a dark opening begin to appear from my bedroom ceiling and it gets ever wider each day. One day I wonder if it’s ever going to grab me inside and never let go. To cover me in its cold and make me disappear. To offer me comfort. Enveloping my weary thoughts, calming my small frame. It wouldn't say anything, but the feeling of having that Darkness would silence the nerves and the constant hammering in my head.
I wish it were that way…
Instead I have to face upcoming responsibilities I’m not ready for. I have to face my insecurities and critics. I have to face my anxieties and the future.
I’m not ready.
Life is moving too fast. I don't have enough time.
Instead I replay what happened the following day. Always repeating the bad. Never the good. I hear voices and see my friends laugh at me. Pointing and making fun of my character. Judging and ridiculing me, for who I am. Bringing up the stupid things I've said and speak of the past. Attacking my insecurities. That isn’t true though. They never said I sound dumb, or that I am a loser. My delusions get the better of me and I forget the truth. I think about all of this.
And then it stops.
I can hear the whir of the fan. Emptying my thoughts, until it’s all blank. The gaping hole is gone and the pit disappeared. My heart is steady and I just lie there. I’ll get up and get ready for the day. Maybe talk to my friends and save some time to hang out later. But I don’t.
I just sleep.