sociopathic child

how do you feel something for one person, give them your whole heart, and yet feel nothing? you feel physical attraction to others. you tell him you love him, you'll never leave him, yet shamelessly flirt with others. is that the true definition of a sociopath? they feel nothing, yet can love so deep??? they play others as if they care? i have no idea, but maybe...just maybe it is true. because what  if i'm a sociopath? what if i am the one who feels nothing? what if i love so deeply that if they leave my world is crushed to a dust? what if i fear my world is crumbling, so i hide it and play others??? how do i live with myself? the pain of hurting the one i love, yet not wanting to, or the pain of losing someone i've intangled myself with them so much so that losing them would be like losing my soul. i could try to live with either pain, but both are equally as bad as the other. i let people give me so much pain, that i've started hurting others without really wanting to. because of that, all of this really, i start hating myself more and  more, to the point i need a release. it's at that paint that i want to cut myself, over and over again, only until i bleed out a nice, slow, painful death, one in which i deserve because of who i am. don't worry i'll take care of myself, i've been doing it for the past 17 years, so what another 80? right? nothing, that's what i thought....

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