Sleepwalker

 

i have this bad habit

where i bite my tongue until its sides turn white with death

and my mouth tastes metallic

i have this bad habit

where i dig my nails into already stinging cuts

because for some reason

i just can't seem to get enough

I have this habit of nitpicking every word and sentence structure that gets thrown at me

because when i sit here dead as dust thinking about something i can never have i realize

here in the middle of nowhere

yet still somehow at the center of everything

it is better than living with you as the groundskeeper to

my mind

my sanctuary

my temple

it is better than living with you as the only light guiding me towards the wrong way out

i am not scared of you anymore

i will not be cut down by your memory

not going to let it go just to wake up somewhere cold

you've taken knives to my angel wings but that won't stop me from flying because i'm not about to let a man whose name i don't even know rule the rest of my life

I am not broken glass stained red by your greedy hands

i have not been packaged

for your picking

while you bend halos into night

i have not lived this long

for you to be my death sentence

so i will live in my world without the walls you have put up to shut angel noise out

i have learned to denounce the taste of victim or survivor as it rolls up my throat

word vomit

i am not an event

i am not a word

there is no date hanging above my head indicating that is all that i am

because i am not just what was leftover from some man's mistake

i am human

i am me

so forgive me

please

forgive that sometimes no matter how willing my spirit is

my skin is now sick with dread

forgive the whispering fingertips echoing you asked for it

i can still feel him on my skin

forgive me for not being the same person i was before but do not pity me

i am not a cat stuck in a tree

nor am i some bear in a trap

i am boundless

I am free

but with pity you are thus condemning me to be less than i ever was before when really i am more

than just some student

sitting in a classroom

while someone drones on

about a subject i won't need to know in life

Because

sorry

but frankly

i'm just taking your class for the credit

because graduation is my goal

and past that i see myself with a doctorate

and one day a family

Because that night

and that man

do not

can not

and will not

ever

define me

they

will not change the course of my life

if anything now i am aware

of being aware to the sickness

dwelling in some men's souls

and aware of how tortured a woman can be by this

some people say I'm a fool

for thinking like this

But the day will come

when deaths hands will be at my throat

and i dont want to stare him in the eyes

ive been sleepwalking

to have to finally realize

i've already spent too much time

backed into the corner

of a windowless room

watching life go by

through stained-glass lenses

i don't want to sit here

and feed my fears anymore

I will not be that girl

because while most girls in highschool would kill

to be so popular

that everyone knows your name

it's not the same feeling

when instead of seeing envy or lust

you see sorrow and detachment

staring back at you

i just want my life back

and i plan to take it

even if i have to suspend the part

of myself holding me back over cataclysmic cliffs of antidepressants

i have no time to play or guess

while I'm at war with my mind

I don't want this to control me

i don't want to live in fear

but somewhere deep inside i

can't help but relive crawling flesh

i fear what i don't know

i didn't know who was looking at me two blocks back

a man

that had been following me

the past half hour

i don't know why the same thoughts spin in my head

at a pace so fast i might collapse

it's like i can't trust myself anymore

i didn't know what i was going to do when the man in the black suit

closed the distance

his pace quickened

mistake

mistake

why am i doing this to myself

i should have known

bad things happen to good people

in dark places

where shadows cover screams

there are things in this life

worse than death

so sleepwalker lay my bones to rest

and rot

so that my decay may heighten

and bloom into dandelion tufts

every monster in this world is human

Man made

Skinny

Pretty

Plastic

Rot

Rape

Flower

Decay

i am done

i want no part in this torture

his heavy steps should not be at the forefront of my mind

his stone green eyes are gone

man made up monsters to introduce evil to kids

so when they were old enough to know they wouldn't have issues

replacing gargoyles and gremlins staring down

with the faces of men

with picture perfect teeth

you cannot tell me

the street phantoms do not lurk

within nightmares dressed as a lie

he

was dressed as a lie

that's now halfway mine

Stop

I need to stop

memories are not just about the past

they determine our future

So dwindling

on the soullessness of his eyes

and his caramel breathe

will do nothing but drive me insane because in hatred as in love

we grow like the thing we brood upon

What we loathe we graft into our very soul

So for now

at least for now

I am in control

my habits are just habits

and I will not sleepwalk

 

This poem is about: 
My community
My country
Our world

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