skinny
skinny
i thought i knew about skinny
after all, the media showed me
pictures of kim kardashian in all of her
callipygian glory with her 24 inch waist
but no one told me
the story behind
her pristine, pouting face
no one told me
all the unrealistic expectations
and the realizations that come when
you’re standing on that scale and the
numbers- the reds, the blues, the greens
all of them screams
and when you begin to listen to the voices
you hear their promises
and pain grows in your eyes
as you make more choices that seal your fate
and ignore the fact that they are lies
and that you are hungry
but hunger is pain and beauty is pain, so they’re the same, right?
no.
i learned this the hard way.
just twelve, i emptied my stomach because i was empty inside
because it was far easier for me to hide
behind this mask of “no thanks, I’m not hungry”
and yet
i realized
there was nothing for me to save
this was taking me to my grave
and i would never be happy with myself
if i kept doing this to myself
nothing will become clearer from looking in the mirror
examining every flaw on my body
because
everyone has flaws
and the more i focused on myself
and my problems
and listen to the voices in my head
i would shut everyone else
until i was dead.
and i’m too young to die.
so i thought about it.
i decided it wasn’t worth it.
why say “is it worth the calories” when i should be saying
is it worth sacrificing everything— my family, my friends, my life
just to be this nonexistent thing
skinny.