I called you friend.
Played XBox and swam in crystal blue pools, we laughed as we splashed
We beat summer time heat with movies and card games and cheese quesadillas.
I told you about the loneliness I felt
How when I looked in the mirror, I wanted to hurl
How I wished I could meet my dream girl
Move to the middle of the woods with her and grow old
You smiled and you listened.
But your smile wasn’t for my friendship, but the thought of me tied up naked on your bed as I cried for mercy.
You force yourself into me in every place possible
You taught me the word Sodomy
You held a knife to my neck and told me to beg
A lighter to my skin and a whip to my breasts
The camera flash blinding through tear drenched eyes
but no one came to help me.
My dirty little secret, my guilt-ridden conscience
I hid under the blankets hiding from the world.
Welts tattooed into pale canvas skin
Muddy watercolor bruises like dead flowers
Bald spots polka dot my head of beautiful hair.
Soft green ink wash the only air I breathe
Eraser marks where my self love used to be
Broken and defeated,
Into the emptiness
Locked away for my safety
Take your meds, participate in group
It's not like these other kids give a shit
My story silenced, my identity censored
"Being a gay sexual assault survivor isn't appropriate to talk about in a Catholic institution"
So they let me go with a deeper sense of shame for myself and long list of prescription medications.
I don't like dressing up , I'm ashamed of my body
My breasts just a burden
My hips an open invitation
My ass just "too good to resist"
Because pretty lips are a great addition, except when they say no.
I can't function like a teenager because of my overwhelming triggers
Looking over my shoulder
Scared his grin is following me
He knows where I live
I can barely leave the house.
It will be years until I can enjoy intimacy
Nightmares and insomnia
I can't tell what's real
God please tell me I'm dreaming
What the fuck is happening?!
You cause me so much harm
My skin riddled with invisible scars
My heart brittle and cracked like kiln-scorched clay
And you get away without the slightest tear
They say I'm just another he said she said looking for attention.