Who am I?
I'm seventeen years old and I am lost
Seventeen years old and for a while I did not want to be alive anymore
Seventeen years old and I was ready to be off this earth.
I didn't think I would make it
I thought I would drown.
Every day, every single day, I would wake up and fall
Fall so deep and so far that it seemed impossible to get back up.
When you're young, and you're hurting, it seems that no one can help.
My family, my friends, they threw themselves into my waves
They threw me a life preserver and I pushed it away.
Sometimes I don't want help.
Sometimes when I'm seventeen and I'm lost and I'm hurting I want to drown.
I laid on the soft sand and looked up
I saw the light filtering through the deep blue
Bubbles trickled from my open mouth
And I closed my eyes.
When you're seventeen years old
And you are lost and don't think anyone can find you
Someone finds you.
Someone drags your limp, cold body from those waves
And someone breaths life back into your empty lungs
And someone helps you learn how to live again.
At first it was a woman with a nice smile and comforting words
Sitting in a comfy chair in a warm office
Who would pull out a little notebook and a pen
And she'd talk about "coping strategies" and "positive thinking".
Next it was a woman with a doctor's coat and warm eyes
Who would ask you to fill out a chart rating one-to-five
On how much you hated yourself
And those bitter tears would drip down your face
Salty and warm and rough, and you let them.
Pills, pills and more pills
Every morning at 6 o'clock before you went to school.
Escitalopram- what does that even mean?
Did you even care what it meant? What it did?
You swallowed those pills
And you hoped to get better.
Dark days, closed blinds, curled up in bed.
Never wanted to get up again, never wanted to see light again
It's so easy to let yourself be dragged under
Why did noone tell you how hard it would be to surface again?
The woman with the nice smile and comforting words
The woman in the doctor's coat with the warm eyes
Pills, pills, pills.
At first you couldn't breath and there was no end in sight
And then your empty lungs felt air trickle back in
And your family and your friends held you close
Breathing life back into you.
Suddenly the darkness wasn't so easy
Suddenly you didn't want to drown.
Pull back the covers, open up the blinds,
And let sunlight warm your face
Which had been cold for so long.
And all those things you used to love
Music, art, books
You've learned to love them again
And you know what it's like to be seventeen years old
To feel so lost and so far gone
And now your lungs are full and your heart is expanding
And all you want to do
Is find someone who's drowning
And pull them back up.
Because when you're seventeen years old
You don't really know what it's like to live
And what you will lose once you're gone
And those months and months of darkness
They've simply made you stronger.
I am me because of these struggles.
I am seventeen years old
And I wanted to kill myself.
And now I'm crying not because I want to be gone,
But because there's nowhere else I'd rather be.