Self Deceit
I always wanted to be strong.
I always wanted to be beautiful.
I always wanted to be kind.
You are nothing.
I close my eyes and pretend
pretend to not hear
I cannot be broken.
You don’t deserve love.
I heave at the impact
the words digging into me
like a rusty blade
I am bleeding.
You are the most selfish person I know.
My knees buckle
I gasp as I feel myself
shatter, crumble.
Nothing.
You disgust me.
I struggle for air
her words clasped around my throat
I don’t even think she knows
I am broken.
How could I ever be strong?
How could I ever be beautiful?
How could I ever be kind?
When all I feel, see, hear….is nothing.
How could I ever be strong?
How could I ever be beautiful?
How could I ever be kind?
When all I’ve ever been was scum.
I tear the ones I love most to shreds
bringing nothing but pain and misery
I lie and cheat for self gain
I don’t deserve love.
The realization of this kills me
The pain so unbearable
tears cannot - no, im sorry- will not
fix anything
The damage I’ve done irreparable
How could someone love me?
Once they’ve seen who I really am.
Why don’t they leave me?
It’s as though everyone who loves me
has a death wish
I am disgusting.
No one should have to experience
what I have put people through
I hurt the people I love
continually.
I am not broken….I am shattered
A mess of ground up glass.
I am glass that waits on a cold stone floor
waiting for someone kind to clean me up
And when they least expect it
I cut them open.
Their blood, their pain
spills onto me as I whisper
“I’m sorry”
Two words
that I have said so many times
they have lost their meaning
they no longer show the remorse
I feel everyday.
All these things I keep
locked up inside of me
waiting for the day
when I finally find
the words to tell you
The words that will
finally describe the agony
pain
remorse
and shame that I feel
for all that I’ve done
I have never been strong.
I have never been beautiful.
I have never been kind.
Nor will I ever be.
Comments
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MLE
You are strong for having the guts to write this and post it for everyone to see. You are beautiful because these words are intricatey pieced together perfectly. And you are kind because you care about the mistakes you've made and hate hurting people. We all hurt people. Especially the ones we love most. I encourage you to consider this quote from Ella Wheeler Wilcox: "There's one sad truth in life I've found while journeying east and west. The only folks we really wound are those we love the best. We flatter those we scarely know. We please the fleeting guest, and deal full many a thoughtless blow to those who love us best." We all do it; please do not think it makes you unworthy of love. Stay strong, stay awesome, you can handle anything.
