I’m so baffled. Lost. Is my life a lie?
An illusion? Filled with such confusion.
For I am the colour of sand, and tan
But, I’m Asian raised to be caucasian.
In the orphanage had I been right now
The life I know to be true would be naught
It’s laundry I’d do; not cared for, nor taught.
Yet, Newton is my life, my friends, my peers
Questions, not answers, creating my fears.
The life that I lead, The lies that we breed.
A turbulent storm tearing through my mind.
The answers to tame it were left behind.
Who am I? An identity that is built, not found.
The roots that will grow, and will shape the ground.
An ethical dilemma nagging me
The privilege that I have had to live here.
To have a life that isn’t filled with fear.
The privileges that I am holding dear.
Food in a fridge, a roof over my head.
A room of my own with a queen sized bed.
An iPhone 6 that is painted gold
Not an imminent worry, so I’m told
Books lying on my duvet back home
To stroll streets that are safe to roam
Is it bad to use privilege to advance?
A game of chess, or a dangerous dance.
Do I deserve the life that I have now?
Is it fair to whine about my dated laptop?
While others don’t have a roof, yet somehow
Continue to smile, day after day
Am I a thespian? my life here a play?
The fork in the road, and the path I chose
Standing right here in my overpriced clothes
While other’s have had food tickets, welfare
Here I am in Newton, like I don’t care.
it’s only now that I’m truly aware
But as I become aware of my life
My mind continues to fill me with strife!
Yet, looking around at my peers passing
The impression that’s left on me; lasting
There is no wonder in their eyes, nothing
Merely a facade, their faces bluffing
The weight around my neck, pushing me down
Into my personal hell that is life
Nobody can understand my sorrow
My grief that blinds me from reality
Multiple cars in our driveway, lined up
Their lights polluting the looming dark sky
While other people’s houses are their cars
How can I continue to live this life?
Standing here taunting those who don’t have one
Standing here mourning my minimal loss
How can I be jovial at this time?
Whilst others don’t have food on the table
My past is the mirror after a shower
My fate is unimportant in this hour.
I always wanted to be remembered
But not as another ignorant fool
I will never be society’s tool
I was given the gift of living here
But as I keep staying, my fate draws near.
I cannot continue my life that is
But cowards choose death, and fools flee
I will continue to never be free
My life in a palace locked behind bars
though they may be bars of gold and silver
They are bars nonetheless that keep me near
I yearn to escape this dreadful life here
But what keeps me still are the unknown fears
What do I need to survive in this world?
Would it help to be pale, and white as snow?
Would it help to continue to learn and grow?
This internal battle raging through me
Wounding my already shaky conscience
Never have I ever had a father
Never before had that been a bother
Not until now when the thoughts start to form
My mind is overflowing with questions
Who am I as a human being here?
Why am I living my life in Newton?
Do I belong with my family or not?
Constantly the rejected outlier
Of my friends, and of my family too.
The most basic things are what sever relations
The social norm of great expectations
The loneliness pulling me into hell.
I hide from the world, curled into my shell
But I cannot leave. I refuse to leave.
I refuse to be another coward.
I have fled my whole life from my old self.
This time I will open my eyes and look
At my whole story. I will read my book.
Digging through my past for the pages lost.
Not that answers will provide any comfort.
Hell, the storm in my mind won’t end
Do you expect life to be that kind?