Roots

I’m so baffled. Lost. Is my life a lie?

An illusion? Filled with such confusion.

For I am the colour of sand, and tan

But, I’m Asian raised to be caucasian.

In the orphanage had I been right now

The life I know to be true would be naught

It’s laundry I’d do; not cared for, nor taught.

Yet,  Newton is my life, my friends, my peers

Questions, not answers, creating my fears.

The life that I lead, The lies that we breed.

A turbulent storm tearing through my mind.

The answers to tame it were left behind.

Who am I? An identity that is built, not found.

The roots that will grow, and will shape the ground.

An ethical dilemma nagging me

The privilege that I have had to live here.

To have a life that isn’t filled with fear.

The privileges that I am holding dear.

Food in a fridge, a roof over my head. 

A room of my own with a queen sized bed.

An iPhone 6 that is painted gold

Not an imminent worry, so I’m told

Books lying on my duvet back home

To stroll streets that are safe to roam

Is it bad to use privilege to advance?    

A game of chess,  or a dangerous dance.

Do I deserve the life that I have now?

Is it fair to whine about my dated laptop?

While others don’t have a roof,  yet somehow

Continue to smile, day after day

Am I a thespian?  my life here a play?

The fork in the road, and the path I chose

Standing right here in my overpriced clothes

While other’s have had food tickets, welfare

Here I am in Newton, like I don’t care.

it’s only now that I’m truly aware

But as  I become aware of my life

My mind continues to fill me with strife!

Yet,  looking around at my peers passing

The impression that’s left on me; lasting

There is no wonder in their eyes, nothing

Merely a facade, their faces bluffing

The weight around my neck, pushing me down

Into my personal hell that is life

Nobody can understand my sorrow

My grief that blinds me from reality

Multiple cars in our driveway, lined up

Their lights polluting the looming dark sky

While other people’s houses are their cars

How can I continue to live this life?
Standing here taunting those who don’t have one

Standing here mourning my minimal loss

How can I be jovial at this time?

Whilst others don’t have food on the table

My past is the mirror after a shower

My fate is unimportant in this hour.

 I always wanted to be remembered

But not as another ignorant fool

 I will never be society’s tool

I was given the gift of  living here

But as  I keep staying, my fate draws near.

I cannot continue my life that is

But cowards choose death, and fools flee

I will continue to never be free

My life in a palace locked behind bars

though they may be bars of gold and silver

They are bars nonetheless that keep me near

I yearn to escape this dreadful life here

But what keeps me still are the unknown fears

What do I need to survive in this world?

Would it help to be pale, and white as snow?

Would it help to continue to learn and grow?

This internal battle raging through me

Wounding my already shaky conscience

Never have I ever had a father

Never before had that been a bother

Not until now when the thoughts start to form

My mind is overflowing with questions

Who am I as a human being here?
Why am I living my life in Newton?
Do I belong with my family or not?

Constantly the rejected outlier

Of my friends, and of my family too.

The most basic things are what sever relations

The social norm of great expectations

The loneliness pulling me into hell.

I hide from the world, curled into my shell

But I cannot leave. I refuse to leave.

I refuse to be another coward.

I have fled my whole life from my old self.

This time I will open my eyes and look

At my whole story. I will read my book.

Digging through my past for the pages lost.

Not that answers will provide any comfort.

Hell, the storm in my mind won’t end

Do you expect life to be that kind?

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family
Poetry Terms Demonstrated: 

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