Relapse

Do NOT be fooled by the narrative we are fed in our everyday lives, through media and fools. Eating disorders are not glamorous, do not let the lies seep through. Go ahead. eat your food, don’t replace your meal with 3 cups of water and a mouthful of mints.  Do not get on a scale and wish for a magical number to appear, i did it for 5 years, it never showed up. I know what you’re thinking, another one of these talks from an anorexic girl with 0 goals for herself. But once you enter the blackhole, you won’t want to leave it. Don’t say i’ll starve for one day and think it’ll go back to normal the next day, it won’t, you suddenly get high off the feeling of being empty. Doing sit-ups and drinking a gallon of water to prevent you from eating. Having to explain why you’re stomach keeps growling in the middle of a lecture.  Don’t mistake this poem as an instruction Manual for ways to curve appetite because it’s not. All i’m saying is sometimes its hard to not let it all seep through again, the feeling of being sick and a familiar place of emptiness.  Keeping in mind that a handful of movie popcorn isn’t going to make me fat. Realizing those people I see on billboards and in magazines are not real, they’re fake.Looking in the mirror is still a daily struggle, as i feel repulsed at times to see how recovered i am from a dying state. Remembering what it was like to feel defenseless, alone and trapped in a mindset of unrealistic goals. Every comment people make about how good i look now, i only hear how fat i am now.  Because even though 8 months of my life were taken from me, i still have those days, those hours, those minutes, where all i want to do is RELAPSE. Because RECOVERY is hard work, not feeling repulsed at your reflection is hard work and eating whats on your plate is hard work. Because RELAPSING seems like a much easier option than staying in a recovered state.

This poem is about: 
Me

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