I kept telling myself I was over you
That I was done writing about you
Or thinking about you
Or talking about you
But here I am
Six months later and I still feel guilty for letting your name grace my tongue
Six months later and I still think about you every time I meet someone new
And I know you would hate that
And I know you would tell me not to
Or how I’m too young to understand my own love
But you’re wrong
And I know that now
I know a lot of things now
You see I know I deserved better
Even though I didn’t want better
Even though I didn’t know it then
I know it now.
I know that I am deserving of love
Or the decent honesty from the one I love
And these are things you were never quite capable of
Not with me.
You can keep the dinners
And movie tickets
And all the memories spent holding each other close
I don’t need them anymore
They are merely stones meant to be skipped and forgotten
And I don’t collect stones anymore
But that doesn’t mean I didn’t die the day you said you’d never love me
Doesn’t mean a part of me didn’t break every time I watched you kiss him.
But that part of my life is over
I’ve closed the book and put it neatly on the shelf between happiness and hurt.
But today I started writing a poem and was annoyed when it became about you.
Today I was annoyed to think of you
But that meant I wasn’t sad
There was no melancholy poem made to weave your name into
Instead I wrote about how I am going on dates again
How I haven’t relapsed to my old habits again
And how perhaps losing you
Was the best decision I ever made.
You may have killed me when you ripped out my heart to sign your apologies
But I am reincarnated in the memory of who I am
And everything I can still be.
I am reincarnated because even death couldn’t stop me
And neither could you
I am reincarnated with a new heart
One that doesn’t beat for you anymore
At least not all the time
And I am reincarnated to live again
To be myself again
To meet new men
And make new memories
And fall in love again
And again and again
Until someday it finally sticks
Until someday they finally stay
And I will be reincarnated as the best husband a man could ever have
But I won’t be yours.