regrets from sad nights
My fingers trace the edge of my throat
I know it can’t stay here
It has to leave
I can’t feel
My body is numb
I freeze when you touch me
But I told you I wanted this
Because I thought I did
I thought I needed it
God am I disconnected
My soul dreams of being in a different body
But for now, it is stuck
So I wallow in self-hatred and disgust
And my fingers trace the edge of the vodka bottle
I don’t know how I got here
But I know I’m not okay
I might not have to live anymore
And that makes my heart numb
And my soul relieved
My fingers trace the edge of the hospital bed
These white walls are all I seem to see anymore
I freeze when they touch me
I try not to breathe
I can’t feel anything
Who have I become?
-regrets from sad nights 9 march 2018