a rant and a psa

Mon, 12/20/2021 - 00:50 -- layla_

there's a to-go cup in my hand

i run my fingernails down the side of the styrofoam,

feeling how it caves under my touch

my nails are weak and brittle, and recently, my touch doesn't do much

except send shivers down a spine, because there is ice in my hands

i chew on the straw, a last ditch effort to leave my fingernails out of this

the war between my mind and my body

who will win

and maybe my fingernails won't die in the process, like a child in the middle of their parents nasty divorce 

i would divorce me too.

when i was fourteen, about the time i began to die, i wrote a long word doc

in which i described my illnesses and worldly possessions 

it was not a suicide note, i specified, but rather a record

because i knew, at fourteen, that sickness runs in the family

i called it a just in case note

and i signed it off after i nearly collapsed in the street for the first time

it wasn't the last.

i often talk about death in a way that implies that i will go first

my parents are not to let a certain pastor speak at my service,

i saw how he dishonored my classmate, questioning where his soul resided

and in response, i looked to my mother and said,

"hell no."

my friend pointed out, once, that i seem to think that i will die young

faltering only for a moment, i smiled my pretty dying smile and brushed it off

a gut feeling, i reasoned

that's kind of funny to me, in a twisted way

a gut feeling for the girl whose stomach shrank and ate itself

how no one has called me out on my lies is startling 

maybe i am just a great actress 

even my therapist says that i am good at hiding things

i wear the title of 'liar' with guilty pride

the truth, my single truth,

is that i think i will die before i'm twenty-five

whether by starvation and failing organs

or by a beautiful bottle

i really should grow up and stop romanticizing death

i really should know better than most that death isn't pretty 

so let me end my early death rampage,

here is a psa

when you have anorexia, the stomach shrinks

it eats itself alive to make your appetite smaller

it is one of the most painful things in the world;

when you have anorexia, you lose all your sense

i once ate a single egg for breakfast with some medicine 

and then wondered why i felt sick, because i ate with it, right?

when you have anorexia, you lose your mind

you cry in restaurant bathrooms because not a single thing on the menu is under 800 calories

you get angry at people for asking about the numbers on your phone, or the way you rip your bread apart

eating disorders are not a choice

but Jesus Christ,

do not fool yourself into thinking that it is a brilliant way of life

darling,

it is not even a brilliant way of dying.

 

 

i will not make it to my thirties, I believe

us liars can only run so far

they say i'll get tangled in my web

but i'm not the fly getting caught

i wove it myself

so i stare at the window sill

and try not to fall.

Comments

grcheq

can I use this poem for an oral interp competition? You would rcuve full credit. 

layla_

sure! let me know how it goes :)

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