a rant and a psa
there's a to-go cup in my hand
i run my fingernails down the side of the styrofoam,
feeling how it caves under my touch
my nails are weak and brittle, and recently, my touch doesn't do much
except send shivers down a spine, because there is ice in my hands
i chew on the straw, a last ditch effort to leave my fingernails out of this
the war between my mind and my body
who will win
and maybe my fingernails won't die in the process, like a child in the middle of their parents nasty divorce
i would divorce me too.
when i was fourteen, about the time i began to die, i wrote a long word doc
in which i described my illnesses and worldly possessions
it was not a suicide note, i specified, but rather a record
because i knew, at fourteen, that sickness runs in the family
i called it a just in case note
and i signed it off after i nearly collapsed in the street for the first time
it wasn't the last.
i often talk about death in a way that implies that i will go first
my parents are not to let a certain pastor speak at my service,
i saw how he dishonored my classmate, questioning where his soul resided
and in response, i looked to my mother and said,
"hell no."
my friend pointed out, once, that i seem to think that i will die young
faltering only for a moment, i smiled my pretty dying smile and brushed it off
a gut feeling, i reasoned
that's kind of funny to me, in a twisted way
a gut feeling for the girl whose stomach shrank and ate itself
how no one has called me out on my lies is startling
maybe i am just a great actress
even my therapist says that i am good at hiding things
i wear the title of 'liar' with guilty pride
the truth, my single truth,
is that i think i will die before i'm twenty-five
whether by starvation and failing organs
or by a beautiful bottle
i really should grow up and stop romanticizing death
i really should know better than most that death isn't pretty
so let me end my early death rampage,
here is a psa
when you have anorexia, the stomach shrinks
it eats itself alive to make your appetite smaller
it is one of the most painful things in the world;
when you have anorexia, you lose all your sense
i once ate a single egg for breakfast with some medicine
and then wondered why i felt sick, because i ate with it, right?
when you have anorexia, you lose your mind
you cry in restaurant bathrooms because not a single thing on the menu is under 800 calories
you get angry at people for asking about the numbers on your phone, or the way you rip your bread apart
eating disorders are not a choice
but Jesus Christ,
do not fool yourself into thinking that it is a brilliant way of life
darling,
it is not even a brilliant way of dying.
i will not make it to my thirties, I believe
us liars can only run so far
they say i'll get tangled in my web
but i'm not the fly getting caught
i wove it myself
so i stare at the window sill
and try not to fall.