/// I don't work well around pressure. You make me get a headache of varying intensity, with the company of nausea and now I'm sensitive to the light and sound just like my migraines that I get every day. Because of that, I learn to love the dark. But when I'm in the dark It doesn't feel like I'm alone I'm with the company of your hurtful words and actions, i got my fears next to me. I don't feel safe in my room anymore, it knows to much, talking to you isn't like talking to the walls, because my walls actually listen, they just know to much they've heard every breath Ive took and sometimes if you look closely you can see writing all around, that they wrote to me because I talk to them maybe to much about my sorrows that i got them so tired to the point they don't want to hold the ceiling anymore just like I don't want to hold on ether. I think I made them sad. My pillow contains to many tears I think it's tired and wants to get dried but I don't let it, I'm sure it hates me too. It keeps drowning in my sadness if it could talk to me it would probably say it hates me too or maybe that I'm being to dramatic, Ive just hurt it too much I think it had enough When my hands hold to it so tight so that the walls won't hear me when I'm crying and cursing your name because they'll snitch and yell to the next ones making you hear the hurt that you've caused me. If I could talk to you I'd say I hate you too, and maybe more. You tell me to calm down, that I am being dramatic, you tell me to stop feeling the pressure while your the one holding my head under the water, so you tell me to breath. I can't breath underwater your suffocating me with every word you say to me, every sentence you say it's like a threat to me you got my life in your hands but you, you just keep telling me to breath.. I'm like a cup of water that's been filled up, you keep adding more and more and you are just watching me drip, but it's fine, because I, i Just need to breath.. so when I go to the health office because I've had another anxiety attack, she asks me what's triggering my mind, but really it isn't that what's triggering me, it's that I want to pull the trigger.. so she tells me to breath and with every deep breath I take to count up to 5 and say
. 1. I HATE YOU, I HATE THE WAY YOU MAKE ME FEEL, YOU DONT LET ME HAVE CONTROL OF MY ACTIONS YOU MAKE ME HAVE FEARS, YOU TELL ME TO GROW UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITIES TO MY CHOICES BUT YOU MAKE MY CHOICES AND I MAKE BAD CHOICES AND IM MAD IM MAD THAT YOU DONT LISTEN YOU JUST MAKE ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF AND YELL THINGS THAT I ALREADY KNOW, THE MIRROR SCREAMS I SCREAM I KNOW IM A MISTAKE BUT YOUR NOT AN ERASER YOU CANT JUST ERASE ME IM NOT A PAPER AND YOUR NOT A PEN STOP SCRATCHING ME WITH YOUR WORDS I KNOW IM NOT PERFECT STOP USING THAT WORD SHUT UP SHUT UP ITS TOO MUCH PRESSURE ITS TOO MUCH PRESSURE (so the nurse tells me to calm down and keep breathing keep breathing and keep counting but my mind keeps thinking ..)
2. SHE ISNT MY RESPONSIBILITY STOP MAKING ME TAKE CARE OF HER I CANT TAKE CARE OF MYSELF WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? SHE CALLS OUT FOR MOMMY, WHERE ARE YOU? YOUR TRYING TO MAKE MONEY, BUT YOUR DAUGHTERS ARENT SWEET AS HONEY ANYMORE THEIR HURT, YOU HURT THEM WITH YOUR WORDS YOU TELL THEM YOURE TRYING BUT NOW YOUR TRYING FOR YOURSELF YOU MAKE THEM FEEL WORTHLESS WHILE YOUR BUYING EXPENSIVE PURSES WHERE ARE YOU WHEN SHE NEEDS YOU? ITS TO MUCH PRESSURE ITS TOO MUCH PRESSURE I HATE YOU BUT I HATE ME TOO...
3. YOU MAKE ME REALIZE IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH, YOU AFFORD EXPENSIVE CLOTHES BUT YOU CANNOT AFFORD TIME, OR HELP YOU MAKE ME FEEL USELESS AS IF MY MIND DOESNT TELL ME WHAT I AM, YOU GET MAD BECAUSE I DO NOTHING BUT YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE NOTHING, YOU ACT LIKE I RUIN YOUR LIFE BUT YOUR LIFE WAS ALREADY RUIN WHY DO U KEEP RUEING MINE, YOU SAY IM A MISTAKE SO MY BRAIN CONSTANTLY SCREAMS MISTAKE MISTAKE SO MANY TIMES I START TO FEEL LIKE ONE. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO SAY, I HATE YOU BUT I HATE ME TOO!
4. ITS TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO MUCH PRESSURE, WHEN MY TEACHER SAYS TO STAY FOCUS AND MY MIND HAS SO MANY THINGS GOING ON, I CHECK MY GRADES CONSTANTLY YOU TELL ME I CAN DO BETTER BUT I CANT BECAUSE IM NOT CLOSE TO BEING BETTER, I KEEP SPACING OUT AS IF I WAS A ROCKET AND YOU KEEP BRINGING ME BACK, I FEEL ALL THIS TICKS STRAIGHT TO MY FINGERTIPS DO U NOT GET IT I WANNA BE LEFT ALONE, I WISH I COULD CARE ABOUT YOUR ESSAY, OR REMEMBER THE FORMULAS TO ALL THIS EQUATIONS BUT HOW CAN I DO THAT WHEN MY MIND IS OVER FILLED WITH THOUGHTS THAT MY MOTHER HAS LEFT ME.. ITS TO MUCH PRESSURE ITS TOO MUCH PRESSURE MY HEAD IS STILL IN THE WATER AND YOU, YOU TELL ME TO BREATH, STOP BEING SO DRAMATIC SO I STOP .. I stop and I breath and before I take the last breath.. I try to gain control back .. 5. I PUSHED MANY PEOPLE AWAY, I CONSTANTLY FEEL STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF WHATS RIGHT AND WHATS WRONG, I CANT MAKE DECISIONS ON MY OWN BECAUSE I PICK THE WRONG ONES, I CARE TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT PEOPLE THINK OR SAY, I CONSTANTLY GET THE QUESTION WHATS WRONG? IM WHATS WRONG, I DONT CONSIDER MYSELF SUICIDAL BUT IF A CAR WAS SPEEDING TOWARDS ME I DONT THINK I WOULD MOVE, IF MY BODY WAS BEGGING ME FOR FOOD I DONT THINK I WOULD EAT, I WOULD LIKE TO SEE HOW FAR THE HUMAN BODY GOES WITH OUT IT, it's amazing what you can think and do when your head is under water, I TELL MYSELF TO BREATH BUT REALLY I DONT WANT TOO ANYMORE, I LOST CONTROL OF MANY THINGS INCLUDING MYSELF, YOUR THE CONTROLLER AND IM THE GAME, I WANNA SAY GAME OVER BUT YOU TELL ME IM BEING TOO DRAMATIC YOU TELL ME TO JUST BREATH SO I DO, I do AND I KEEP GETTING THIS FLASHBACKS AND REASONS WHY IM HERE .. ALSO REASONS WHY I SHOULDN'T.. IM FINE, ITS AMAZING WHAT THE MIND CAN DO WHEN YOUR NOT THINKING ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT TO THINK... SO WHEN I GET CONTROL BACK I SIT AND STARE OFF, SOME PEOPLE WONT KNOW SOMETHING IS WRONG, THEY SAY THE LOUDEST IN ROOM IS LONELIEST OF ALL, BUT IM NOT LONELY I GOT MY SORROWS AND MY FEARS MY WALLS AND MY PILLLOW.. AND IM SORRY IF I SOUND DRAMATIC .. SO I BREATHE .. I LEARN TO BREATH UNDERNEATH THE WATER .. and while your suffocating me more and more each time .i count all the way to 5 and while YOU TELL ME THAT I JUST GOTTA BREATH