In The Presence of Her


                Very professional of me huh? To write a letter addressed to you, with an indention at the beginning, if I might not add myself. Pretty proud! Although I really should not be, because it seems I have let my poor and wounded heart fall madly in love with you. I say “let” but we both know that kind of just happened, at first glance. But you will never see this unless I’m crazy enough to show you or you and I are together. The last on is kind of a stretch at the moment. I am typing this up at 6:44 pm on July the 7th of 2019. Seems stupid to write that now but who knows when that little detail may come up in the future. Maybe it will not, because of my fear of the possibility of the last reason that you may never see this letter. I fear right now I will never be able to call you mine and to be completely honest that drives fear deep inside my bones. A fear that I don’t know how to handle because, see right now, or tomorrow I should say, is the big day. The big and miserably day in which you have choose to fulfill your obligations to ..... That day is approaching faster than I intended but it may bare fruitful endeavor or the death of a world. That world being the one where you and I live happily together. I find myself struggling at the moment. Struggling to find a reason for such a great fear in me. Why am I so scared of losing you? What is it in you that makes my heart sing melodies I have never once heard before? Call me cliché or call it love but all I know now typing this is that something in me was built for you. I can not seem to knock the feeling of a beautiful future with you or the way that my heart skips a beat when I see a picture of you or hear your voice, even when that beautiful voice says something along the lines of “What’s up h.**” Oh, how your words are such poetry. Oh well maybe you don’t feel the same? I guess that answer is soon to come but not after one more blissful night spend in your arms. Do not get me mistaken, I do feel bad. I feel bad for how good I feel wrapped up in your embrace with the thought that you do not belong to me but that you belong to her. Oh, .... what did you do right in your life to be blessed with such an incredible man? Do tell so I can repeat your past actions. I know I sound like a mad woman for saying all this but sometimes you just got to type it all out and get it out of your system for a moment. But, back to the big day. The big and miserable day that is tomorrow is the day that you turn your back to me to clear your mind about her. Why do I fear it so much? Why should I not? Those are the questions that fight for room in my brain because nether can coexist with each other. I fear it because you are with her. She already has her arms tightly squeeze around you and the past you two share together, something that I am with out when it comes to you. Let me not forget to mention that I can not show this evidence of my heart to no one for they will just call me crazy for being so totally madly in love with a man who is not mine. Shame. Shame. I can not cast the first stone because I am not without sin of the thoughts of you that dance in my head, although you belong to someone else. Why did I fall in love with you from first moments glance and why do you have the ability to shield my eyes from every other man? I do not even know if I can trust you. Can I? From the track recorded you have revealed and the actions you currently presenting I shan’t. But I do. I just want too; I just want to let you in and trusted you full heartedly. Although, that is most definitely a mistake on my behalf. For what have you given me, for me to put all of the trust, like water in? What container have you given me that could hold such amounts of enduring and seemingly unconditional love? Where did this stream come from? I imagine if it is not from God it must be from abuse and depression. I have vowed to stay by your side and not to leave unless told to do so. Why? Because I have never wanted any man to the extent that I want you. I have completely eradicated any thoughts of any other man because they shed no light in the presence of your blinding sun. Oh dear, I must be sounding quite crazy again. To be this madly in love with a man who is with another woman and to which I am another bystander. Of course, not too crazy because of the fact that you have verified some of this to me and made my little heart believe. But might I not forget to mention that you warn me of “going on too long and getting more attached.” Oh, how your signs and signals blink insanely like a blinker going out in old and beaten up truck.  

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