my gums begin throbbing 

again

and i inspire a desire to write

again.

i yearn for my flowery language

and my pompous, teeming, arrogance that slips and drips from my tongue.

 

i finally let myself to rest last night with a lingering thought in my mind.

i wanted to write stream of consciousness more than anything, yet i didn't want to have to stay up longer to have to take the pain medication known as oxycodon/pseudo-vicatin, which i must follow all instructions before taking. allow me:

 

i eat something to ensure that my stomach is full and swollen. i do not wish to upset it along with an achey mouth. i then cut the pill in half on that damn bamboo cutting board. i swallow the bitter fucker, usually with a bit of exerted effort. a gulp and bitter aftertaste later, i swish my mouth out with a salt-water concoction that leaves my mouth stinging and painfully pulsating more than it had before i had taken the practically lobotomizing medicine, if you will. and then after that, i gently brush my teeth and hope that my stitches won't break as a result of scrubbing my tongue until i gag because that is the only way i feel ensured that my breath in minty fucking fresh. 

 

so last night i avoided that entire process by acquiescing to my internal instincts. sleep. my eyelids took me to my elementary school with sarah v. giving me a piggy back ride and ryan v. walking past me. i laughed loudly to capture his attention. but before that entire dream, i have a conversation fresh on my breath, alive and breathing in my head. my aunt's voice echoes,

resounding the ancient advice of self actualization. 

 

close your eyes and drop into yourself and your rhythm and your being and love. create it and let it move throughout you and heal you. let it then exude from you. remember your breathing.

 

and my head drifts into a carnival of memories. and the man who tames the lion with the rings of fire is played by none other than a bisexual hispanic man by the name of the county in which i currently reside, with negligence to the accent. observe:

 

 ´ 

 

í

 

groundbreaking, right? i fell in love with ´ 

suddenly shit becomes shít, and damn, we have elegance and maturation and suave, suave, suave.  i become ignorant to the concept of being merely a conquest. an inner, either naive or self-loathing voice coos that i should take the risk. go for it. 

 

and i play this game in my head again. i relive the moment that changes every time my mind re-fabricates it. 

 

the static from the speakers are speaking to me. someone is here and i can feel a warmth on my shoulder. i love you. and i feel your guidance and protection. 

 

so with the hombre bisexual. a deluge of shame attempts to drench me. but i am inspired. my shoulders arch back and my chin meets eyes with the skies. i remind myself

 

own your emotions. you are a living. breathing. human being. you are not humble. you are not meek. you did the right thing. you did exactly what you had to do. you stay strong. you be your own advocate, because you very well deserve it. no one can stand up better for you than yourself. you are breaking away from the primordial womb of bashfulness. you are blossoming and becoming who you need to be through these very experiences. this person of which you feel you cannot let go is a true friend. a true teacher here to help and guide you to the place you need to be. how lovely it has been to be able to experience this with him. he is a beautiful soul and does not deserve any animosity. for he has not the power to weaken you, and thus deserves no such negative feelings. 

 

he helped you. and now it is best to let him go. focus on the moment. 

 

okay.

 

so i'd like to write a story. mainly a momentary autobiography.

lets get back to that. 

i sit in my bedroom in a corner facing what i believe to be the north west. i am soon to embark on a great journey with a not so great friend. we are merely acquaintances. but i will get to know hannah very well by the end of the trip. i shall breathe and visualize comfort, love, and safety for us. 

 

i realized early in the summer that this trip IS going to happen. I realized that this trip WILL change my life and alter my perspective. I WILL grow with Hannah by my side. she is meant to be with me at this time. i must let her in lovingly. i must not be afraid.

 

 

i will visualize safe travels

i visualize meeting healthy, beautiful friends. 

i visualize eye opening conversations. 

i visualize letting go of tensions.

i visualize letting myself fully experience this gift of a journey.

i visualize living in the moment,

i visualize love and pure happiness. 

i visualize fearlessly making the right decisions. 

taking the right chances. 

 

if something comes up that is worth my while,

embrace it. 

 

this is raw. this is raw life.