A pinhole of light
stabs through the darkness in my mind.
That one single ray reminding me
that all is not lost.
My heart cries out, not for you, but for me.
For the me I was, the me I thought I'd be.
I weep for the me suffering from the uncertainty
of who I am by myself.
I close my eyes to the light,
not wanting to be reminded of the world outside.
The comfort I find in the dark
as it covers me in a blanket of silence
keeps me sane, it keeps me quiet.
Stops the screaming, but also the feeling,
any feelings, it makes me numb.
That single light pushes against my walls,
cracking it in places,
threatening to make it fall.
But I hold on tight to the shadows,
not ready to abandon the safety here that I know.
The light however does not quit,
keeps pushing me, forcing me
to feel again, bit by bit, moment by moment,
but with that feeling comes the pain.
The pain of losing you, of abandonment,
after all that we've been through.
The pain of drawing in another breath of air,
being forced to remember with every beat of my heart
how lifeless my world is with you gone.
The sky no longer blue, but gray,
the dullness of smell, of taste.
My body's response to touch, to pull away
to avoid any thoughts of you.
Your name on my lips burns,
dissolving the air in my lungs, the tears in my eyes
til I can no longer cry.
And though you broke my heart,
It’s still yours.
Still yearns for the rhythm
of our heartbeats intertwined.
Sometimes it’s so slow, it weakens my body;
I feel like I've died.
I squeeze my eyes shut
afraid of the truth the light brings;
I just want to hide.
But they reach through the cracks in the wall,
to pull me out of the dark
and wrap me in their arms.
They show me that I'm not alone,
that I've lost one love, but not all.
As the light grows brighter still,
they save me from myself,
from my thoughts of blame and doubt;
they show me that family is more than blood;
they give me a reason to climb out
of the place that I've been since you've left.
They help me to forget.
A pinhole of light
Need to talk?
If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741