Perverse Thoughts of Loving You

You figured it out?

Sure

I announced it to part of the student body but you understood it?

My monologue was masterfully mysterious so that it drew

People in without giving any information away

Making me seem relatable without being vulnerable

I can’t seem to do anything right

Not holding my secrets to my chest

Not talking about those secrets when they’re found out

The information bombs explode before I can notify you of their location

I want to disengage them

Processing them together

But, fuck

I don’t want to process these feelings

I’d rather leave them stuck in my throat

Instead of letting them slide down to metabolize into energy

I don’t need the energy

Let me lie in my bed

Sleeping and ignoring

Letting hunger turn into starvation

Ketosis into ketoacidosis

Sugar filling my veins instead of

thoughts of you filling my head

I’d rather die with sugar smell on my breath

Than the truth in the air

It’s too hard to care or process

My eyelids weighing down on my brain

My thoughts trapped under a blanket and

I’d rather they develop claustrophobia

Than lift up the blanket and let them breathe

To grow into something I can’t control

With sex with an ex

Tiny paychecks

Or plunging into final projects

You’re too much

I see the rain and I think of you

I see the wind and I think of you

I see and I think of you

It hurts

Knowing these feelings won’t diminish

These thoughts only grew

And I can’t coerce them away

These perverse thoughts of loving you

I’m just waiting to fall through my bed

And collapse under the house

But I know that won’t happen without energy

Energy I’m not willing to give

So I guess I’ll have think about you instead

Won’t my therapist be proud?

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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