Dear Xxxxx,

 

You weren’t there when I got the call with the news

            about you

You weren’t there to see your friends gather round

            over you

You weren’t there to see how much I cried.

            how much we all did

If you could see the love that we felt,

            the tears that we shed,

            the grief that we held

                        on our shoulders,

Would you have believed

            how much you were worth?

 

You weren’t there

One year

            and five days

                        later

When Xxxx and Xxxx made the same decision as you

And suddenly three faces were missing

from our class photo

I wore more black than I would have liked to

 

You weren’t there when I wore white for you.

In Hindu culture, you wear white when this happens

 

You weren’t there on the second anniversary

(Had it really only been

            two years?)

You weren’t there when we bought Hot Wheels

            for you.

            at Walmart.

            three of them.

            one for that day.

            one for each ... year ... since.

 

You loved Hot Wheels.

 

You won’t be here on the third anniversary

Twenty-one days from now

 

twenty one.

that's how many

pilots died in

All My Sons.

by Arthur Miller.

 

three.

that's how many

kids died in

one year. and five days. and said

bye to this world.

 

Because that's all you were at sixteen years old, Xxxxx.

            just a kid.

I'm just a kid

Even now that I'm nineteen.

 

I don’t think we will gather again

This year

Of course, we will never forget you

But I don’t know

how

much

longer

We can keep doing this

 

It’s time to let go

 

I’ll see you in the next world,

 

And by then, I will tell you,

 

“I forgive you.”

 

With love,

Xxxxxxx

 

P. S.

"And I'm sorry."