oh what have these past months done to me

it started with a wave


a tsunami.

it started with a tsunami

bringing chaos to the order

crushing the structure

flooding normal

until i was drowning in an endless ocean

an infinite ocean

an ocean that covered the entire universe yes it truly was

an infinite ocean

and i was the only one who didn't know how to swim.

id look up through the crystal clear water and

see plain faces staring back at me and

when i was trying to beg for help all that my mouth could say was

"I'm fine."

they prolonged the suffering with small doses of oxygen in the form of pills and therapy

but my lungs were still shrived and my body was still on fire

yet somehow submerged in water.

i tried to cut them off my arms but the blades went through and caught on my skin

i tried to purge it all  but they could smell the bile

i tried not taking anything but they open my jaw like a door on a rusty hinge and shoved despair and self hatred inside

yes self hatred

yes self hatred.

when the ocean dried up i was the only one who was stuck in the ruins.

no one seemed to notice my crumbling world

the decomposing structures and rotting trees

i wasn't drowning anymore

but i began to miss the water.

at least it was a place to be

something i always knew would be there even if it were drowning me

at least i knew i was drowning but now

now i walk hundreds of miles a day trying to find another home,

trying to find something else as secure and sure as the water.

but everything is barren wasteland

an empty desert with occasional reminence of who i was before the storm

like crumpled pictures or ashes of a memory or flattened gum packages

I'm so lost

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