niepewność

I’ve always been insecure

not always in terms of body issues

or worries of whether I’m pretty enough

or all the usual concerns that most girls seem to have

I’ve shed all those, for the most part

 

And I no longer worry that there’s better singers than I

I sing anyways

 

But now the issues I’ve always had

before I cared how I looked or how my voice sounded

are returning 

 

Telling me to grow a thicker skin

and reminding me how much intelligence I lack

 

I’m somehow still brought to ruin

by D’s on tests

and people telling me I’m far too sensitive

and I scare myself with the things I think and feel

 

I had a dream last night

in which girls told me I was ugly

to which I responded by singing Sondheim harmonies

and I felt flawless then

 

But if girls those girls had surrounded me and said

I was maladjusted and the emotions I felt were just hormones raging 

and threw numbers at me, causing me to be baffled and feel useless

I’d probably crumble

because I’m dumb and unstable like that

 

I now feel the need to preface everything I do with

“Now I know I’m not the smartest, but-“

and 

“I might be emotionally volatile, but-“

 

I just wish I could be as strong

and unapologetic

and tameless in my openness

with issues of intellect and psyche

as I am with my voice and body

 

I recently remembered

a lyrics I wrote when I was eleven

to the tune of ‘God Save The Queen’

right after I was placed in the B class

forever proving to my malleable mind

that I’d forever be one of the dumb kids:

 

“We the B class pledge to thee

that we will always be

much dumber than the A’s

until the end of days”

 

And I remember how

the times I heard “get a thicker skin”

grew to the hundreds

by the end of each week

 

And I usually just joke

of crying in Starbucks’

and relating to ‘Bart Gets An F’

but as I become unhinged myself

the jokes begin to lose their humor

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741