I remember the day I realized my internal voice.

I heard it there, in the background, however it always seemed to be quieter.

Now I’m older, 18 finally, and suddenly the voice is all I hear.

Cheer and joy come from my vocal chords, external songs

But despair and darkness are all I hear.

 

It’s an odd thing to hear such a voice when your entire living existence has been nothing but basically ups.

Why then come crashing down to earth?

Who sabotages themselves especially in the way I realize I do so often.

Motivation, joy, everything I derive from being,

Is being stripped away by myself.

 

That internal voice screams at me now, daily.

You aren’t enough, not without me keeping that serotonin in check.

You can’t do that so don’t even try.

Just lay in bed, wonder why you are the way you are.

 

I have friends, I know people who have seen and experienced so many tragedies.

Rape, Abuse, Self-Harm

I’ve seen and heard it all. Even someone who lost the love of their life to Leukemia

Distance separating them forced his waiting 2 weeks before her family got to him.

So why then am I beating myself down?

I’ve heard their horror stories, put them before me and they’ve all reached a higher point than I ever dream I will.

 

But that’s just the thing.

I do these things to compensate for that internal voice.

No one can hear him, but I can.

It is consistently driving out of myself, dissociating my identity with my identity.

I have become a watcher in a world where I no longer participate, just myself helping others while I watch hopelessly helpless.

 

I wish I could scream out at them

Give me a little help

But the Internal has become the external and vice versa.

Nothing they can say or do will reattach me to myself, only I can.

It seems hopeless but each day is a new day

Each person is a new person to meet and know

Every life is an experience

And mine has been taken from me.