to my flesh, I know that inside of my rib cage the walls have been carved with the letters of your first name right - underneath the scratches of my soul where depression has kept me..
I meant to have photos of the garden my mind once was when I first thought of you,
I know the walls of my chest.
and for you to peak at the scars that I tried to keep from you before peaking underneath your pillow for tooth fairies,
has gave me.. a set back in this disposition.
and I am in so much pain bearing a child inside the body that has not even been able to be accepted by my own skin.
how can I carry an unborn child inside of the same body I can’t even carry myself in?
and if I can feel the slow beating of my heart every time I let a man touch me I know that you have memorized the veins of a desperate lover.
and to dare to believe that you traced your own wrists wanting to be anything like me..
I’m hoping the chromosomes that create you take the pieces of my wishes..
my prayers have been vocalized and booked through speakers of microphones, stereos and each sound system begging that I have more for you when you come into this world than just an apology letter..
you must understand that I am ashamed, to even make the inside of my bones more frightening than the words that are still being put into place to break your heart,
but you are so beautiful to me.
because I struggled finding beauty within myself, I felt like all I once was got tucked away underneath depression but i rather it be your umbilical cord gripping onto my acceptance
and I had a feeling as the memories looped in my head of the smile that never abandoned me only left for a second to be inside you.
so I am more than willing to give you all of me. take all that you need because I know I can rebuild myself with you.
and I mean no negativity towards your spirits before spirituality but I might as well confess to you the worries of my heart since you have already felt the heaviness it played in…
so to my unborn daughter,
you are the only chance I have to live again.
you give my life meaning.
and I want you to know that I give you my last breath into this world so you can form yourself using the strength of the Hope I have left in you.
I want you to know, that no one will ever love you stronger than me.
and I love you.
and that I love you.
I will love you.
and I will learn to love me….again.