in my mind, i replay the day.

in my mind, i rewind, back to the beginning,

the center,

the dot that started the big bang of the disaster crumbling around me.

in my mind, i am still next to emily and evan. i am surrounded by band instruments. i see the glints of gleaming light echoing off of the brass and silver.

in my mind, i hear the popping noise from the hall, the

life-imploding

earth-shuttering

pops that would only be more deadly face-to-face because then it would have meant my face would be blown away by the face of the barrel staring me down.

in my mind, we are ushered into a small fold of the room that can't quite hold the screaming, the tears streaming, the sweat sealing the envelope shut. they say that we will be fine, but no envelope can hold back the gun, for paper is ripped by bullets easier than flesh.

in my mind, the sounds from outside the room buzz into my head, competing with the thoughts barreling down the highway of my brain. for some reason, the only question i have is, did i feed the cat? this strikes me funnier than the implausibility that i will survive this, and i start to laugh.

i laugh and i laugh

and the door opens and i laugh

and i see him and i laugh

and the bullets rip rip rip open my chest and i laugh until i cry,

only its not crying, but the secretion of blood from the eyes opened up in my chest.

in my mind, i drift away, leaving nothing but a broken body and a destroyed life that my family can never pick the pieces up and reconnect.

in my mind, i see me playing with my mother in a playground, and i laugh.

i see me learning to play piano, and i laugh.

i see my brother learning to play drums and stating with conviction that his teacher smells like a cigarette, and i laugh.

in my mind, i-