To My Before Me
To my before me,
I miss you terribly
The naivety you had
the light that bestowed upon your eyes
How you looked at the world as something to explore
Not as something to fight
The way your eyes glistened at the thought of growing up
How you escaped to the books in your hands
The ones that shielded you from the real
How you had hope for love
For happiness
How you had purpose
I am so sorry
I have forsaken you
Threw away what you taught me
How you gave me your world
And I left it in the middle of the road
I am sorry I forced you to see the truth
How I didn't let you hide
I thought I prepared you
I didnt
It was too late when I realized
I should have realized
My ignorance blinded me
My job way to protect you
I broke it
Slowly your fire broke into pieces
More like candle
flickering in silence
scared to breathe
You lost yourself
And turned towards the only thing you knew
Yourself
Shut yourself off from everyone
Built up an impenetrable facade
hollowed out
became a shell
No one will ever break through
And no one can break out
Voluntarily stuck
You threw yourself into studying
Couldn't be bothered with emotion
Threw out care
Became reckless
impulsive
Days and weeks past
it all became muddled
Bad decision after another
Darkness truly consumed you
And somehow along the way you became me
We morphed and spilt and died all in one
It became worse
Cold, impenetrable
Unforgiving, angry
The world made you bitter
And as much as you accepted ito
you couldnt change
couldnt seem to let anyone in
Still stand behind your wall
And you see it as security
You don't see the bars
How the cage has trapped you
Blinding you from happiness
Tricked you into believing you deserve less
Or that you deserve nothing at all
Oh how the mighty have fallen
You have continued to fight
But you don't want to leave
It is a safe place
Gives you comfort
Something you can call home
The good scares you
It's always been a trap
How do you trust a system
When it has hurt you every time
Without fail
How do you jump
When you can’t even trust yourself
When you question everything
And nothing is taken for face value
You were so scared of being used
You didn't notice it was already occurring
How your friends
Took what you gave
twisted it
And started a fight
You were so powerless
So stunned
You couldn't have possibly prepared
Your very own brutus
Revealed a deep fault
Stabbed you and made you hold the knife
Said you did it to yourself
You shouldn't expect anything less
That is what you deserved
And oh how you believed it
took in the information
And then shut the doors once again
Turned to things that harm
Cut it all away
Drank it all away
Smoked it all away
Can't face something when you can't comprehend it
Shut out life
gave in
I am so sorry for opening the door
For giving you false hope
For telling you all you could achieve
And ripping it all away
For hope
I misguiding you
And how I lied
to us both
You deserved so much more
And I couldn't give it to you
And I am forever so sorry
I am so thankful
The foundation you gave me was concrete
The tough skin I developed
Was all because of you
I gained a sharp tongue
And a wicked sense of humor
My determination drives me
And my curiosity sustains me
You gave me tools to light the darkness
Even when they become incredible dull
I know i am not alone because of you
I am forever in your debt
It is because of you
That I am me
From my after me