as i think of how many days have passed through my life,
i can't help but to reminded that it also means i'm one day closer to you.
& as the years are flashing passed me,
i know realizing that it's just trying to hurry up, because it wants to meet you already.
& as your first eyes meet mine,
i want you to see what my view of the world looks like,
because i promise that you're not just a part of it,
but all of it.
& you'll come with blood running through your veins, like mine,
& as you grow up i'll teach you that the blue lines under my skin will point you the way home.
& they say that home is where the heart is,
so i want you to be so near to me when i hold you that you can hear my heartbeat,
even while you're a teenager.
& if you're crying because of a stupid boy then i'll tell you that mermaid's don't shed tears,
but it's still okay to fear
life, & this land.
but i will always be around,
my voice is carried in the waves;
just listen to the sound.
& you will realize that i am there,
& no matter how big the world may seem,
at least you can always find me.
i need you to know that i've had eating disorders,
because i wanted to have more room in my lungs to sustain air while i'm underwater.
but i realized that the unhealthier my fish bowl was,
how unhealthy you will be inside me,
& so i stopped letting my demons drown me.
& whenever you place your small hands over my scars,
i'll tell you that your mom is a warrior & a fighter,
& i promise i'll fight for you until my very last breath.
but also know that i am a worrier,
& there are times when my armor will seem like it's only made of sticks,
but that's not to say that there aren't a few tricks
to make you feel better;
like holding your daddy's hand or looking at your own complexion in the mirror,
& when you see yourself, i hope the word, 'p r o u d' comes to mind,
& never forget that i will always be proud of you.
& know that you,
are worth more
than what you will ever find in a bookstore.
& your mama loves to read;
i'll tell you, "remember all the times we read, 'where the wild things are?'"
yeah, that was your mom's favorite too, by far.
& you'll be respectful to your elders,
especially your great grandma & second aunt & uncle;
they are the people who will always be around,
like belts with buckles.
& if you're anything like your mama was when she was younger,
then you won't like wearing clothes very much,
& i hope you can see how beautiful you are even without them.
& when people compliment you,
i hope you can say, 'thank you' & mean it,
because the greatest accomplishment will be to believe it,
& see it.
& even if you come with freckles all over your body like your father,
then i'll tell you that they are constellations to guide you back to him when you seem farther
away than usual.
i want you to experience the world with an open mind & blind eyes,
acting like a blind woman who has to search for what she has rather than already knowing,
because you'll appreciate the sound of rain tapping on your window
or the feeling when my fingers interlock with yours so much more.
& i'll say, 'don't give me those eyes!
i know that trick,
i've used it a million times'.
but as you do it, i'll realise;
i am a part of you,
so in some way,
it's really me who's still doing the things that you do.
maybe you'll appear with red hair after how many times i've dyed it,
or a star wars fanatic like me.
& we'll be able to share secrets with one another with intimacy,
like the ones the shoreline shares with the sea.
mayeb you'll come out with poop colored eyes like mine, but i'm sure on you they'll just remind me of chocolate.
& sometimes this world may not hand out babyruth's when you want it to;
it can be bitter hun,
but even it has a sweet tooth.
like your daddy & mama have, & so that's why we'll call you, 'sugar'.
or maybe just because we're in the southern belt;
either way something melts.
well, i guess i'll just have to wait & see.
i love you already,
& you're not even inside me.