My Deepest Struggle - The Girl I Love(d)
The first time through, you held me close
Kissed my ear
My forehead
My mouth
You whispered inwardly, that you would never leave
The day that it came
Was the day that I broke
I am not who you thought.
The day I left, you told me there would never be another
But I left anyway
I abused myself
For leaving such a creature
One who would hold strong
Through inhumane trials
Of broken
Bones
Face
Family
Home
Self…
I never let myself forget
That beautiful person that I left behind.
Not for another, although that day came as well
Albeit rather too quickly
I had told myself I wasn’t ready with you
So why join with him?
Maybe it just felt right
Maybe it was the way that he treated me
Maybe it was just…
Comforting
Having some sort of normality.
Time went on, HE helped me
Pushed me to see
Believe
In myself
The woman I knew I was
Whereas you kept your distance
As you should have…
The day you came back
Back into my life,
I had missed you so… I merely wanted to say
That I am sorry
I am still
So very sorry…
Water under the bridge
You assured me
And I welcomed you back
As an old friend
Into my arms
As a support
Best Just Friends Forever
Right?
It was our joke
After all
Sort of joke…
Not so much of a joke
And so there you were
Back in my life
Waiting
Taking your time
Taking it slow
I trusted you
And you trusted me
And time went on
I still loving him
And yet
There you were
That girl I thought I once knew
Never knew
There you were
New.
We tried
But we fought
Had just so much to talk about
As we were trying
Re-learning
Discovering
What was really inside.
It was delicate at first
Friendly
But then
It went too far
You never breached my trust
Or his
But I know I had
I fell
So deeply
In love
With you again
For so long I kept it to myself
Why not? Why shouldn’t I?
I still had him
And I still loved him
Love him
Unconditionally
Yet here you are
The girl I once knew
Coming back into my life
My mind
New.
Occasionally
You left
Told me
That I was the criminal
I had done this after all
Hadn’t I?
Of course I did
I always do
It’s what I do
And you came back
And you left
And there you were again
New.
Each and every time
We tried and tried again
And every time
It ended like that
Like this
Like how I am feeling now
The hate
The loneliness
The fear
Of myself
Of you
You will never understand
It wasn’t all me
It takes two
It takes two
You forced me out into the open
Made me admit this complication
Perplexing disconnection
Between the fantasy in my head
And the reality of yours
We are fading
You are a candle
You shine so bright
And flicker out
As soon as the breeze rolls around
Ever changing
Ever moving
Untamed
You burn
And I try
To shield you from the wind
Re-light the beauty that I see within
I try
Oh I have tried
So many times
And yet
It is never enough
Is it?
Because you can’t admit
That it’s not him that you don’t like
Because he is just like me
It IS me.
There will never again be this connection
That we have
Had
Once could have made
Together.
We had our fun
And it seems as though you are done
Quite right too
Because it has always been me
My not lover
I do love you
And I have never once betrayed you
Tainted these lips
And poisoned your mind
With a single lie
When you pressed and prodded
I clearly spelled it out to you
I never attempted to deny
And there you went
And used it against me
In my hardest times
The darkest of days
Are still yet to come
But it is closing in
The world is collapsing
Can you feel it too?
Here it comes
Again.
Anew.