This should’ve been easy to write. After all, I'm alone, in my room. Surrounded by the lingering warm thoughts of you. Words like these should flow out through my fingertips. There is so much I want to say to you. But my tongue holds me back and my mind blocks it out. After all. Its January 2019 and you’re in love with Raina. Don’t say that you weren’t. I may be oblivious but I’m not an idiot. Yet I can’t help to feel your soul dancing with mine when we look into each other's eyes. Even though deep down I know, they are not dancing, but still and solitude, they repel each other. I yearn for you to be my home. My safe place that smells like happy memories and looks like hope. But what color would hope even be? For me, it would be that one shade of tan that engulfs you from head to toe- or that stupid shirt you seemed to adore so much, the one that lingers from picture to picture even over the timespan of years. For you, it may be the color of Raina’s eyes. I recognize the way you look at her. After all, it’s the way I look at you. I wanted to see you happy. When you talked to her your eyes would sparkle, and radiate with such intent. Who wouldn’t love seeing someone as fascinating, inspirational, and enticing as you glow? My desire made me selfish. I truly am sorry. I thought the bane of my existence was watching you flourish. Yet I didn’t do anything to help preserve you against the burden of liking someone without a heart. But I yearned for your happiness, even if you were only borrowing it from the future. I’m sorry for being selfish. I never wanted you to feel the way I had felt every day. I didn’t want you to watch her leave, chasing after her, trailing her footsteps whilst losing your own. Deep down I was worried you’d relapse. Go back into the depressionistic state you were so proud of coming out of, so I watched everything unfold as you shattered on the inside, but never said a word. I never wanted you to have false hope, but I didn’t want you to lose hope. I wish I would’ve gotten to know you better, I wish I got to start knowing you sooner. Never stop being optimistic, my likable bean.