Mama, there's something in my mind,
something dark, something unwanted
It writhes in the middle of the night
when I'm alone and you're asleep,
It kicks. I can feel it kick.
and I don't want it
I think he gave it to me--
He planted this seed of self-doubt inside me
And as it grows, I remember sister warned me
She told me he was no good but I didn't listen
I didn't listen, Mama, and look where it got me!
Is it too dangerous now to leap into the thrashing waves
for an abortion of relationship?
You say I was never a loud baby,
never demanding. I didn't cry much
But in this past year, I've made up for it.
I don't want to think of him so much, Mama, it hurts
And my tears may be silent and stifled now
But I ask that you cradle me in your arms and don't let me go
even when I push you away
I stop needing you when the clouds part a little
But Dad's screaming disappointment carries best through the storms
I need you to help me make him understand
I can't tell you enough how much I love you
I'm tumbling along around the circumference of the earth
and every bump cracks me further, but,
if not for your sweet murmur swaddle holding me together
I would be shattered by now
I write this, cocooned in your tattered quilt and
my mournful love songs that bring me back to last November
Every day gets closer to his birthday and farther from mine,
The misery he gave me has been gestating in my head and
The morning sickness is too much
the noon sickness and the afternoon sickness and the night sickness
and the homesickness are too much
How can I go back to where I was before I slept with thoughts of him?