Mother died today


Mother died today, although we didn't know it.
she went missing, and it wasn't until the next day
that her body was found.

On the phone with sister, 4am.
"They found her body."
And the only thing out my mouth:
"Her body body?"
Sister confirmed
as we both crumbled.

Organize, get organized
flight in the morning.
Thank god for student loans.
I asked for help, and no one came.
I road the bus alone, 
face twisted on straight. 

I accidentally bought a first-class ticket
because I couldn't even think.
Free complimentary alcohol,
yes please. Thank you. 

I wanted to tell everyone I saw
what happened.
Wear a sign around my neck,
because misery loves company.

Touchdown, airport hometown.
My partner's hand guides me
as I slowly crumple inwards 
and stop functioning.

Soon, we: us, them, the sisters
all together in mom's apartment,
as we touch foreheads and crumple together.
A pyramid weeping willow. 

One of us is missing:
Other sister.

Other sister is missing from her bedroom where she shot our mother.
In the back of the head.
With a stolen gun.
Then steals a car.
Steals mom's cash.
Runs away.
But she was found.

Mom's car in an impound lot in some other state
with her granddaughter's carseat still strapped in the back seat.
A child cries and screams for her grandmother.

My first question to the police:
was her head still in one piece?
Yes. Thank god. 
They convince me
to not see her body. 
Because of nightmares.

And nightmares,
yeah I get them.
I imagine mom sitting on the edge of sister's bed where she was found,
crying and trying to claw the bullet out of the back of her head
but she can't reach it
so she cries. 

I imagine
having to again share a bedroom
with a murderer.

During the funeral I was unable to speak,
only cry
only cry
only cry.

Oldest sister went searching for butterflies,
and was upset any time she had no fluttering confirmation
of mom's soul at peace.

Everything good
has been scraped out,
but I am confident that 
the worst part is over.

There will probably be nothing worse in my life
than this. Right now.
In my sorrow, I can smile weakly. 
Maybe this is the worst part,
and nothing else will ever be this bad again,

I hope. 


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