To The Mom I Never Knew

Fri, 03/12/2021 - 14:56 -- Queenjj

To the mom I never knew 

who was never here to turn my dark skies blue

 Let me tell you what I've been through. 

 

So much pain, so many scars,

 thousands of questions with answers to far.

 When I was younger I used to wonder

 how you look and who you are.

 

 I used to cry almost every night 

praying to God that you would come into my life and make everything right.

 Where would I live, who would  I be,

 would I be a better me. 

 

I’ve had a hard time moving forward because of my past 

I feel like a car that's run out of gas,

So I’m writing to let you know about the life that I have.

 Some of it’s good and other parts are bad, 

some will make you happy and other parts sad, 

but this is my life. I've been living without you and my dad.

 

 In foster care up to the age of three

 I was separated from Valencia and Randy.

 We were sent to many homes 

where they were put together and I was left alone. 

 

Then when I was four we were reunited

 living in the same home, but still we were divided.

 I was chased in the dark, raped and abused. 

While my sister watched Dora and my brother went to school. 

 

The man hurt me so bad I was sent to the hospital in a plane.

 That’s when my life truly came to a change. 

Laying in that bed with tubes throughout my body

 I remember your hands wrapped all around me.

 

That’s the last day I recall seeing your face,

 now I only have a money hungry new mom the state gave me for you to be replaced. 

She treats me nice in front of people, but really she’s mean 

and when she’s mad she doesn’t cook and makes me clean. 

She only takes me shopping when I have somewhere important to go,

 then when the event is done she hides it or takes it back to the store.

 

 Things started really getting worse when I began to miss you more.

 I would wait for you to come get me after knocking on the door,

 but you didn’t after waiting day after day, month after month, 

year after year, you never did appear.

 

 I knew you had a heart that cared somewhere deep down

 because you sent letters, and presents, which made me the happiest child around,

 but things don’t last for eternity, not friends, toys, or family.

 So when everything stopped coming I was surprised not one bit.

 I was used to people leaving. Like holes when you knit.

 

Now I’m left with a broken heart

 because you chose not to be a mother and do your part.

 

I’m in the 7th grade now

 and yes I face so many trails

 all my friends have turned their backs on me

 just because of one friend you see.

 Wish I had someone to help stop the drama

 but instead I had no help from my own momma. 

 

I’ve moved on to a new school and 8th grade

 so all last year's memories are simply a fade.

 I’m taking a high School math class 

and am usually happy until I think about how you left me then I'm sad.

 

 I haven't heard from you. Why haven't you called?

 Are you ok mom? What’s wrong?

 I’m having trouble at home, my new mom is never here

 and whenever she is she’s so mean I’m filled with fear.

 

 Why do I have this life? I'm so mad at the world.

 Why didn't you abort me? It's better than being an unhappy girl.

 My grades are dropping, I'm starting not to care. 

Whenever I do sleep at night I'm having nightmares. 

I feel so alone I've stopped eating and really want to die.

 Why are you never here to comfort me when I cry? 

I’m cutting my wrist when I'm called ugly names.

 I feel so relieved when I'm feeling this pain.

 

 It's summer time now! 

 I'm volunteering a lot because I like to make others smile.

 I met a nice guy at a church conference he likes me,

 The only problem I'm facing is that he's 18.

He gave me his number we text throughout the night.

 I thought my world was full of darkness until he came and turned on the light.

 I got my phone taken away so now we aren't that close anymore.

 We had to move things to the friend zone,

 so now I’m back to feeling alone. 

 

About to start high school feeling the opposite of ready, 

it has a lot to do with me feeling mentally unsteady.

 Walking the halls of school daily with a fake smile,

 can't show the big kids I’m sad or they might try to push me around.

 

 I tried to kill myself the other day, but the rope wouldn't tie. 

My eyes keep filling up with water so I continue to cry. 

Counselors trying to help me but new mom says no.

Cuts down my wrist and I’m being hospitalized for just trying to go.

 

 I’m filled with so much grief so I look up your name.

 When I find out you’re in jail for life I’m filled with even more pain. 

 

Lately I've been hanging around more and more  boys,

but I hate when they try to use me as their sex toys. 

 

New mom takes me out of school. So now  I sit in a room the size of a box all day.

 I feel like an animal locked in a cage.

My church picks me to be the pageant queen, 

but on the day they pick the girl to be crowned, my new mom 

lies, says I’m sick and makes a big scene.

 

 I feel like a nobody. I'm so detached from everything.

 My only possession that gives me peace is my guitar so I write songs, 

play them on it, and sing. 

 

DSS comes knocking at the front door

 refusing to let me be tortured anymore, 

but new mom has her own games up her sleeves,

 so she won't get in trouble. She makes me leave. 

 

Sixteen years old just got kicked out the house,

But luckily my older foster sister lets me come to Georgia and sleep on her couch. 

Tired of not having anything I get dressed up and take a walk.

 When I see IHop I go in for a talk. 

They hired me on the spot, I started the same day,

 feeling better because I have a job, maybe living with my foster sister is ok. 

 

25 minute walk to and from work, 

but on my off days the apartment complex I lurk.

 Cute guy 24 he lives next door we get really close 

and when my new mom finds out she calls me a whore.

 

 Boyfriend 25 he works at my job in the kitchen.

 He drinks a lot and when I ask him to stop he doesn’t listen.

 We have sex in empty parking lots laying on nothing but his sweater,

but his way of showing love doesn’t make me feel any better.

 When I find out he’s on parole for doing drugs I finally let him go,

 but now I’m back to being sexual with the guy who’s 24.

 

 I get into modeling. They love me at first sight, 

so I’m thinking about walking the runway and being the spotlight.

 Feeling great about myself I post pictures online,

 new mom finds out and says no more fun times.

 

 Pack all my stuff have sex one more time before I leave.

 My new mom says I’m going to job corps In Memphis so I can no longer be free.

 I buy a new phone with my IHop money I have saved,

 hoping it helps me during my new life’s stage. 

 

Back at home for a couple of hours,

 I literally only have time to eat sleep and take a quick shower. 

On an airplane for the first time the ride is pretty smooth,

 but not knowing how an airport works I miss plane number two.

 Finally on the right plane almost at job corps,

 nervous about what the next days will bring forth.

 

 At job corps I’m put into a group with strangers from different states, 

But when they begin to tell their stories I realize that I’m not the only one that’s

 carrying pain as weights.

 

 As the days and weeks go by,

 I've made some new friends no longer as shy,

 but that was my mistake trust, I let my guard down 

and accidently let the wrong person around. 

 

Look at my phone 20 snaps about a pic, 

keep responding no but he doesn't seem to get it.

 So I send 1 which was really dumb as more and more of his keeps coming in

 I keep sending mine feeling stupid as I sin.

 

 May 20th 12:15

 It started with a hug and then I had no jeans.

 All I felt was pain as he rammed his penis inside of me.

 He wouldn't stop even as I pleaded with him desperately.

 I was held so tight I was too afraid to fight.

 So I cried stop please I just want to leave,

 but he didn't he kept going and said nobody else is knowing.

 

 I said NO I wanna go, loosen your grip from my arms. 

In response all he could say was I'm not causing you any harm.

 So I began to move more trying to get away from him,

 in fact I moved so much the sensor lights were no longer dim. 

 

Shock on his face for a split second 

I hopped up taking those lights as God's blessing.

 You can't go anywhere he proclaimed as I reached for the door,

 if someone sees you you'll get in trouble and you'll be in job corps no more.

 

 Seriously tired of his games, but knowing that he was school President

 and probably right I began to feel even more pained

 as  my eyes started filling up with rain, 

but I had to act like I wasn't hurt 

so I wiped my tears quickly and played along with his dirt.

 He said come and get this SGA thing

 so I walked to where he was, feeling like a bird with a broken wing.

 He kissed me and I did it back to play it cool

 then quickly walked away from him to get ready for the trip to the pool. 

 

Keeping my emotions together

 I ran outside into the bad weather.

 Walking back to my room to grab a sweater, 

feeling anxious maybe I should tell someone so I can feel better. 

 

As soon as I'm in my dorm my roommate knows something is wrong

 so I promise to text her, get my sweater and move along.

 On the way back in the gym I look the other way as I pass him. 

Pull out my phone, shoot a quick text and block his number.

 I'm so mad I did this to myself my body is shaking like thunder. 

 

Depressed I text two friends and they say tell,

 but this is all my fault  I'm so annoyed all I want to do is yell .

 

On the way to take a swim I'm  so distracted all I can do is think of him.

Go next to the coach and low-key tell him I have a problem.

 He says when we get back on center tell a supervisor so they can solve them.

 

 They call 911, question me, then send me to the crisis center to get a rape kit done, 

They take pictures, give me medicine, and ask more questions like a ton.

 I’m released from their care early the next day, 

but since I can’t sleep I go and talk to an RA.

 

 Then all of a sudden she tells me to get down and crawl back to my room

 as they take him away. The days since then have been kind of hard,

 he brought back bad memories from foster care and now I’m mentally scarred,

 

 I got my high school diploma! I graduate August 18th,

 but when I told my new mom she wasn’t really happy.

 We got into an argument and she says she's not buying a dress. 

I cried and cried for one day. I just wanted to look my best.

 I’ll call my foster sister about my modeling outfit.

 I haven’t grown much so it should still fit.

 

 If she can send it i’ll walk the stage with the fakest of smiles

 and receive my certificate in my cap and gown.

 If she doesn’t then I’ll have nothing to wear

 and I’ll go hide in the bathroom while everyone has their happy moments to share. 

 

Mommy God made a way!

 He put angles in my life so now I’m set for graduation day, 

but nothing will take my emotional pain away.

 

 I have PTSD and other mental health problems, 

glad to say that I’m in therapy 

and have other great people in my life to help me solve them.

 

 I still wish you could come into my life 

and wipe away the bad memory stains, 

but instead because of your absence

 I fight constantly to break all my hurt chains. 

 

At night I lay awake afraid I’ll get raped

 and chased by a man with a belt in the dark.

 I’m like a little kid who was bullied and is scared to go to the park.

 

 Some things that has happened is hard to let go, 

bad seeds that were planted don’t die as I grow.

 

Ever since you left people have destroyed much more than just my skin.

 They’ve taken my smile, joy, peace, and all my happiness within,

 but you’re not the one to blame, neither my new mom,

 nor anyone who’s hurt me.

 

 I’m the one to blame

 for holding on to pain that I haven’t yet released. 

I’ll be able to one day, but it’ll take a little time

 because overcoming hurt is a mountain everyone has to climb.

 

 I forgive you for leaving

 and giving up. 

Jail is a hard place to be

 so mom please stay tough.

 

 I promise going forward only great things in life I will do.

 Mommy thank you for not aborting me, I love you! 

 

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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