#MeToo

Something I carry with me is my scar from the past the hunting, daunting , overwhelming scar. When I was a little girl still scared of the monsters under my bed, little did I know how corrupt the society we live in was. Unfortunate for me I had to learn the hard way just how evil ordinary people can be. I don't exactly remember how old I was or even what grade I was in because as they say when something truly horrific happens to you over time your memories slowly starts to suppress the things you wish you never had to  remember. 

When I was little I was always going over to my moms best friend's house she still lived with her parents and younger sister and brother I constantly was having slumber parties with her younger sister two years short of the same age as me until. Almost every time I would go over to this house her 18 year old brother would sit down and play games with us like house for example  were I would be the mom and he would be the dad silly me still so young and naive thought little of it playing right into his trap. At the time I was so little I believed it was game play. He at least made it seem like a game, it always  started out with just holding hands at the park together then he started laying down with me and his sister reaching under the blanket to grab my hand. When his sister would throw slumber parties over the years his behavior progress into much more touching and sex play those sort of things. It made me feel super uncomfortable I remember feeling scared and overwhelmed by his presence when he would do these things when I got older I started to get the feeling it was bad and felt sham full of myself. 

 One thought that constantly crossed my mind like shooting stars across the dark sky was I can't let him touch my sister like he touches me, this thought would cause me to panic because my little sister means everything to me and still does I would die for her in a heartbeat. 

Over time compressing my feelings of these events caused me to sprilling into a deep depression up until  I couldn't shake the feelings of the past, 8th grade the most terrifying thing of it was the feeling like I had no control . There was a time where I could look back and it was fun and I enjoyed it because to start off like it was a game. It made me feel so incredibly dirty. I let what happened to me when I was little measure how I was I labeled myself in that way. Still to this day I have countless thoughts of anger an inragenment every time I drive past that house, Trust issues would be the biggest problem with being a sexual assault survivor. Yes I was molested  but that doesn't define who I am today. 

Luckily, it didn’t end there. After my family reported him a few weeks later my phone rang. I was confused because I didn't recognize the cellars I.D despite that in curiosity I answered the phone. “ Hello a voice called out on the other side is this Alexis BIngham?”

           “Yes this is she”, I responded.

Eagerly the person responded, “ Hi this is Sharen Berkley, I was looking over the report you filled and we have enough information and evidence With a polygraph test to take your asluter to court if your willing. The choice is yours. I will be your lawyer and support you free of charge and split the winnings half and half if your willing to pursue your acustations and report on your assaulter.”

                     I stuttered as tears started to flow down my face , “ yes!”

That yes was all it took to take my assaulter to court and get to stand up in front of the jury and pled my case with all my heart and sole. Days past as we finally got our last hearing were the jury had to vote guilty or not guilty waiting for the results to come in was excruciating seconds felt like minutes, minutes felt like hours my hearts racing a thousand miles per beat. I couldn't stop nooying on my nails, I could hear the echoes of the clock at the side of my head. Waiting was terrifying because I couldn't imagine losing to that fole, appalling, atrocious, mounstress person. Later after the Jerry had come to a decision I was able to enter the quart room again.As I sat back in to my seat in front of the judge I waited for the results.Please rise the judge said, as I stood to my feet I couldn’t believe this was really happening it was all so real. I waited passionately for the Judge to read the result In the case of Alexis Bingham and the acelent the jury believes Alexis’s accusations and claims and convicts the acalent of their crimes. It was all over, I could finally put the past behind me I won the case that day.

Now today I tell myself that I had no role in that zip zilch zero and that I can 100 hundred percent let it control me or I could control it. Now I don't let anything get in my way I am no longer afraid and never will be again. I remember watching the television and the #metoo  movement came out and me on the inside began to scream with excitement: no longer will the voices of women be oppressed by fear.

#metoo

By me Alexis Bingham

 

 

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741