When the water runs so loud that all other noise is blocked out

I like to stare into the silver glass and face my favorite opponent 

What I do, she does

Whatever punches I throw, we both feel

So I draw my bow and arrows, and my swords, and rifles

She never instigates it

But her face is enough to set me off

Once the water gets loud enough

And my weapons have drawn enough dark blood

I scream until I’m collapsed on the floor

My lungs didn’t fail me when I asked to them.

 

If I’m going down, you’re going down with me

Most days, I follow advice

I stay out of your line of sight

If we just cross paths

I will put on the mask

But other times

I’m everyone’s favorite self destructive villain

And I seek out your glass

I lose my

 

Mind

 

Lessly, Fully

There’s no comprehension 

No path or direction

I only have one motive

To hurt myself

To destroy my progress 

To wreck my mind

My weapons are drawn again

An ancient warrior, stuck in this loop for all of time

I will never change

Though everyone says I’m better, as though this isn’t all grandeur 

Though everyone praises the progress, like a trauma ridden soldier, carrying a Medal of Honor 

They have never seen the silver nights

They have never heard the shrill screams while the clear water runs over me

In these moments 

These numb, dark, lovely moments 

I can almost forget

That deep down there’s still a little girl inside

I can almost forget

That I would never tell that child these

Lies.