Apart of me rolled over and look at the coldness of my face to see how the smile somehow echoed with a scream.
I wanted to throw a desk I wanted to break the world to think how such a small paper meant so much to me my life ,my dream printed on a piece of paper.
I couldn't take any more I wanted to scrap the smiles on everyone faced I wanted to yell and tear the building down I wanted to walk out as I tried to hold back the tsunami which felled from my eyes.
I wanted to die I felt useless again and again and nothing else was getting better.
I prayed so hard that my knees bleed and my hands got ruff and I wanted God to heal everything.
I wanted to be free and not care about the road I stayed on. Failure my fear as people tell me It's OK but not knowing the real value as I saw my 3rd grade year flash before my eyes.
People who didn't believe in me started to reaper and yell how I couldn't do it and the person I held on to let go.
My soul ran away damn I didn't have nothing but my bones to think they would be strong enough to hold up nothing as how I felt.
Walking in the halls hoping someone would notice as I lie and smile and said I was OK. Faking so much that plastic was running though my veins and my mask was no longer something I could removed but be permitted on me.
I try to hold on to friends and my boyfriend as a force yanked them underneath every finger that grab a hold of mines.
Jumping because walking made my feet hurt as I walked on thorns which made it impossible for me to get back up.
Parents showing me a mirror wanting me to get it together as I broke that mirror and picked up a glass and held it to my heart and jabbed it in. To not scream or cry but stand still and continue to lie as if you don't see my blood run out of me .
What was happening to me
I needed help,I wanted help but in my eyes I didn't want to be seen as something that was weak. As I took that mask off no face appear that emptiness you saw was me.
A nobody as I blow with the wind I fade away all those time I had to stay strong on sand instead of rock something I couldn't some how get my feet on.
I walk around smiling and hopping that a smile would be the real me
singing to stop from crying me writing to stop myself from lying.
To show them what I was to see what I felt to see what I needed and cry with each tear I held in until my eyes burned. A WALL WASN'T IN MY WAY.
I knew what shadow walk behind me. It wasn't a wall or even an elevate door that person was me. Imani Johnson was something in my way myself was my problem my feet was stuck without movement
.I tried to claim what was mind as I walk alone to hear that person scream and say break. For me to turn around and run and push what was me punch what was me and kill what was me.
As the person who lied there smiled and friendly the girl people turn to was there. And the one who stood was what was build up for years and years that I damaged my freedom and I danger myself.
I lost what was within and its hard to get that back when you don't know what's lost. But you feel something missing that person that had her hands out got sucked in so fast that as people ran up to her was lost within the light.
Flashed upon with no sight blind in the mist of my destruction . In the hands was blood that turn into a river of a peace place ain't that funny I seem to make a tragic moment end with a happy ending of smiled.
Water so pure and still that run though my hands as if I could hold or grab it . The Girl you saw and look pass the Girl who got mad and closed up because she was too scared to look at herself and see such disappointed, embarrassment as I laughed at myself so hopeless so useless that maybe one day I would forgot it all and walk away and climb so high hopping I will be saved as I slipped and felled and washed away with a wave.
How can I get back up when I can't swim. How can I call for help when you could see what was underneath the water was me. You see I care to much that I won't let people care for me.
It takes me letting go stopping myself from believing that I can get back up .When I have sinking and falling and drowned I rather let myself drowned.. Then let you help me. I'm sorry y'all that I'm broken that I cant seem to let you see. Because I'm to afraid to see that I tryied to force happiness instead of gain. I'm sorry for not being able to explain as my words lay on this text hopping you will understanding what I'm saying and what I'm admitting to that I'm broken and I don't know how to save myself or let you save me
You See me in that water and you wanna run and risk it all but it's only one person that has to save me. Walked though the doors and there it was Her .
Step aside the person who walked though those doors was Me ....