there are a lot of people

in this world.

there are ones who are genuine,

ones who are fake.

ones who were planned,

ones who were a mistake.

happy,

sad, carefree,

scared,

ones who wish

that someone cared.

the people you see,

the people you know, but

what about those who put

on a show?

 

each of us deals in

a different way.

singing, dancing, writing, typing.

screaming, drawing, rapping, talking.

scratching, cutting, biting, tearing.

slicing, crying, dying, trying.

so many different ways
I know,

so many different ways

to show.

 

as for me,

no one knows.

the person

I was

I am

I will be.

the girl that I've always hidden

the real

true me.

 

each morning I wake,

I wish it not

to be true

nothing more can I do.

I get ready,

I plaster on a smile.

I hope it holds.

at least

for a while.

I slip through the day,

laughing,

free.

at least to those around me.

they don't hear my thoughts.

they can’t see my dreams.

 

by the end of the day

I want

to shout, to scream, to cry,

to just get out.

finally home, the real me seeks

her release.

I walk upstairs into my room,

shut the door gently, lock it too.

sometimes I don't even

know why.

I want so badly to sit alone, to cry,

to die.

with each new slice I go

a little deeper,

cry

a little harder,

but never louder.

I am already

too loud.

someone might hear.

no one

can hear me.

I must stay alone.

 

these words become

who I am.

a new one added each day,

a new word for me to portray.

ugly. nerd.

alone. bitch. freak.

awkward. whore. broken. fag.

annoying. useless. plain. worthless. failure.

the words that define me.

 

as the delicate hand knocks

on my door,

slide the blade across skin

once more.

the danger and risk

of knowing,

one false slip and

then I'm going.

to have that much control,

a feeling I love.

to know that one simple slip, and

I could let go.

 

but then the knock comes again,

my escape must come

to an end.

the smile comes back

for the evening.

here once more.

slowly open my bedroom door.

the happiness shows,

my smile glows,

no one would ever know,

the me that I

become behind

that locked up door.

I can't wait for the day,

everything finally fades away.

 

raine, raine. go away. don’t come back

another day.

the taunting chant rings

in my ears. memories from

younger years.

but a new one forms,

hides my fears.

rain, rain.

come and stay.

hide these tears

I shed today.

wash away my pain,

my sadness.

fill my heart with peace,

with gladness.

 

if only it were

that easy

one small slip, and

everything's gone,

but is it really gone?

or is that when

the real happiness

finally comes?

 

I'm tired of drowning.

I'm tired of crying

of breaking

of hurting.

I'm tired

of screaming

for help,

while my voice is on mute.

 

 

this exhaustion,

I feel,

I could fix,

if only I could go away.

just for a little while.

or maybe just

forever.

 

close my eyes,

try to sleep.

a nightmare,

or two,

or three.

then I wake up

and repeat.

 

and by now you're probably thinking,

"this is her goodbye."

that's not true.

in fact,

it's quite the opposite.

this is not my goodbye.

it is my hello.

hello from the me

that no one knows.