Maybe Be My Friend?

I’m 19 years old

I’m ambidextrous

I hate bell peppers in my food

I still don’t have a driver’s license

And for as long as I can remember

I’ve had a fascination with hugs, Ginger Ale, and other people’s names

I believe there are only two people in the world:

Those who like spoken word

And liars

I’m not religious

My faith in God died before I could even figure out who He was

But in June 2019 I saw my nephew’s face for the first time and thanked whoever created humans that day

I go to a pretty standard college

Where thankfully my disabilities are taken seriously

And I don’t cry so much anymore

I know the best way to lawfully cheat to make your essays longer

Hint: the font size

But I don’t know the last names of any of the ladies who serve me food every day

I’m the transgender son of a man who still doesn’t want to believe it and would rather I be non-binary

The son of a woman who finds happiness in putting her children’s hopes and dreams down

I’m only 5’5”…on a really good day

But being built like a haiku in a poetry book is a lesson in finding ways to be seen as the tallest in the room

I don’t know what it means to be a man

And for a while, I thought dressing like a fuckboy could tell me

I’m still learning to unlearn the self-hatred inside me

Reminded every day that the breasts I have on my chest can be seen as male body parts if I had the humor to see it:

Breasts can be my misplaced ball-sack

I know that we all carry an addiction to property in our blood

I know that love cannot be owned in any way shape or form

Somedays, I am still the fourteen-year-old on the ground with my wrists pinned, being told to “shut the fuck up” every time I see someone who looks like Him

I only watch two shows now but I know deep-down, iCarly and WOWP will always be the best shit Nickelodeon or Disney created

I know that the best actual company is not Disney or Pixar but DREAMWORKS

Because I like owning the fact that I am a male Yzma from The Emperor’s New Groove

I like being the first person in my life to go to a human rights march and actually WANT to be there

I was the tree that fell when no one else was looking and dared to make a sound

I am the Thanksgiving buffet that depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder tried to take apart piece by piece

I am living proof that those motherfuckers didn’t know what they were getting themselves into

I am both survivor and boy

Every night, the sky opens its mouth and swallows the sun in a single gulp just to make room for the room

What a terrifying but amazing way to see our lives

To be so full of so much light but always hungry for more

This poem is about: 
Me

Comments

Annette M Velasquez

Raw, honest and direct. This is very vivid, full of stark imagery and unique metaphors. The writing shows depth, and a knowledge of self, it is " dark" and speaks of brokenness but also emergence, survival and acceptance. You wove all of this together in a poem that impacts and stays with the reader- is not easily forgotten.

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