May I?


United States
33° 37' 38.2584" N, 112° 5' 21.7248" W

It's like a choke-hold the second you get home.
I can't name names, but from context clues you can figure it out.
A bi-polar, obsessive compulsive.
Louder and louder, punching holes in your heart.

As a child I remember five fangs digging into my wrist,
carrying me towards my mistakes.
With every detail added,
the tone grows sharper,
mental lashes.

Everyday it's like being trapped in a box.
At best the farthest I can get is around 11 to 14 yards away.
Spending every hour of the day like this, I don't get out much.

I feel as if teachers have taken the place that has been left empty.
They're happy to help
They control their tempers
They never act vindictive or try to hurt you from the inside

They have never taught me to hate myself, for every absent-minded action.
Clearly the way to fix this is with malicious verbal assaults, right?
I've learned I am a bone-headed, selfish slob who no one will ever love.

I've seen other people's situations.
They have care, love and the option to be open.
I've only had half of that.
From one moment I have the sweet tender image I've seen on television,
but once a problem arise, I'm defenseless in a verbal holocaust.

Yes a child needs limits.
Yes a child needs strictness,
but when you've pushed it to go as far as making someone cry at night from insecurity, self-hatred, and jealousy for the normal lives he's seen at his friends' houses it's clearly out-of-hand.

And when citing religious principals for why the moral code is so, doesn't make one want to worship along.
It makes one hold grudges towards the belief for causing them to live a damaging lifestyle stemming from it's teachings and a mentally imbalanced person.
Ironic that a lifestyle choice based upon saving someone can be used to scar others for not following.

I want to feel genuinely loved by someone, one hundred percent.
But I can't find it locked inside this home with so much anger towards another and hatred towards myself.


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