Dear Mother,

 

I remember those words that left your mouth

 

“Elastic is for fat people”

“Marriage is only between a man and a woman”

“That hair looks horrible”

These were all things that you spit out at me

Not from the playground bullies, but from the woman who raised me

You

 

My mother

You are a complicated figure

I try dutifully to love you but it's hard at times

You can be cold

You can be distant

You can be shallow

And as the apple who has not fallen very far from that tree

I have learned your ways

How to put on a fake smile

How to point up our nose when there's something we don't like

How to judge a person before a single word leaves their lip

I am not trying to antagonize you

 

I am not

For you are hard working

You are funny

You are determined

You are intelligent

You are the strongest woman I know

I love you and I know you love me

But just because someone is loving does not mean they carry out loving deeds

Just because you go to church does not mean her heart never judges

I understand that's how all people work

We're all human and we all have our flaws

But I am starting to learn how to disassociate thoughts from actions

I do not want to run away, you are one of the people I am closest to in my life

I know you love me,

 

You always will

 

And that is where the problem lies

You are not showing me love through your actions

And I must learn how to distinguish the distorted signals I am getting

Love is not about outward appearance

Love is not about how clean my room is

Love is not about what marriage is

Love is not about my hair

Love is about love

And I do not want to go into the world searching for a vain, judgmental person

That is not love because it is not loving

So I have learned to take your words with a grain of salt

Although you love me very much

Your actions are not what love is about

They are what you are about

And it is important that I draw the line between the two

Because they are different things, they overlap in many ways

 

But different

I hope you change

I hope you learn to be a bit more accepting

I hope you learn to be more flexible

But all humans are like trees

It takes a while for us to change our ways

One can not uproot themselves from the ground they were planted in

I must remember that I am only a blossom and you are an oak

I still have many changes to go

 

You are in your prime

So I have learned to not care when you judge, or forget, or yell

Because you will continue to care for me and the family

That is the only way you know how

She will continue helping everyone

Leaving a legacy

 

Caring about my wellbeing

 

Making me breakfast on a Sunday morning

You love me

 

I know you do

And at the end of the day that's all that matters

So I smile and snicker

At the great big world in front of me

And what it has to offer

And I now understand that the soil in which we are planted on is different

I understand you are different than me

I can only hope you understand my soul is different than yours

 

Sincerely,

Your Son