Loving You

It isn’t as nice as it was three years ago

when I knew you loved me,

Now it’s more like smiling at you from behind a window

with tears in my eyes...

and it turns out the window is actually one way glass

I can see out, but you can’t see in.

You can’t see that I’ve got a knife nestled gently in my heart.

 

Like it has a place there...

like it’s made itself feel at home...

and maybe it has because sometimes I forget it’s there.

 

I forget that maybe being in love should be like sticky fingers from sweet candy

not like sticky fingers from the blood running out of this open wound

the knife nestled gently in my heart has left.

 

I got used to the pain in my chest and now I go back to it,

like it’s home.

I think about you like it doesn’t make me miserable

like I have a place in your life.

 

And so maybe I should just tell you the truth

because maybe this knife nestled gently in my heart is the lie I told you three years ago

“let’s just be friends”

Like I just wanted to be friends.

 

“Let’s just be friends”

Like I didn’t want to feel your hands against mine

and wanted them to have a place in yours

“Let’s just be friends”

Like I didn’t want to be able to call you anytime just to tell you I love you.

 

I love you;

those words have made themselves feel at home,

trapped in my throat

they’ve taken form of a knife

and it’s nestled gently in my heart.

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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