my feelings are a complicated subject. they are the things id rather not show unless words get crowded in my head or the butterflies in my stomach find a way out and fly away. the word love is a complicated word for me. I can throw it around like its nothing to my "friends" but when it comes to saying it to someone i truly love more than anything, i move my mouth, but nothing comes out. like my vocal cords were cut. i could tell you i love you a million times but you will only hear it if you listen to my mind. my thoughts. then i say it to him, and everything is okay, but i think "what if he finds out everything that goes on in my head?" when he realizes just how fucked up i am. would he stay but pretend that they arent there, my horrifing imperfections, when they are clearly in the back of his mind everyday playing out like a horror movie. or would he leave me to crumble into dust? to fight my own demons? would he care if and when i lose? would he? at all? i dont confront him about this. i dont tell him my insane thoughts in fear he will get up and leave me. i will. i know i will. one of these days. but for now no....this was about someone else. someone who hurt me...someone bad. it took me a bit under a year to recover. im still not fully okay from it. but all of my fears from that...they came true i showed him and he left. to my new lover. thank you for accepting, loveing every inch of me. all of my imperfections. my stupid quirks. thank you. and i love you