When I was in 7th grade, I was diagnosed with that Ana disease.
Underweight by 20 lbs.
I had no faith, I didn't know who I was.
Just a little girl trying to have fun.
Trying to fit in, as if nothing mattered.
Even though my world was caving in.
Already, at age 10.
I didn't fit in? So what. None of us did.
We were all different in some kind of way.
Some of us were insecure but we made it through the day.
If I cut, did you care? Nah, not really.
It just wasn't fair.
Maybe to me, but not to you.
Because we didn't choose this lifestyle.
It was given to us.
In 9th grade, I started going to church.
A place that I never understood.
Why do we go there?
To feel something that hurts?
Because that's when I really lost myself.
I never really had friends, just one or two people through thick or thin.
Until I met him.
The one guy who said "It's going to be alright" and hold me close, as if I was something special.
No one really wants to die, until we find out something that kills us inside.
The most we can do is scream at eachother and say "I love you..."
What's that going to do?
When I was in 11th grade, I was diagnosed with a depression disease.
An eating disorder, and lots of things.
I wanted to kill myself though nothing mattered.
Then I thought of Him, as if my world would get better.
I know God didn't mean for my life to end up this way,
But hey. I'm doing okay.
I was lost, and then I found who I was.
I lost myself twice again, but never will I understand.
Who I really am.
All of these weird things. That make me feel like I'm nothing.
These things that make me feel, as if none of it's real.
I know I don't make sense, but I just write to feel alive.
To feel something inside.
Because being lost, isn't fun.
I had hope, but by the time it begun.
I forgot who I was.