Looking Back

As I look at the scares on my wrist,
I think to myself, ‘You’ve came a long way.’
I can’t believe how much pain I took day by day.
You were so young back then,
Thinking there was nothing to keep you alive
But I’m really glad you survived.
A girl so hopeless and low self-esteem,
No one wanted to help you
Sometimes, you didn’t know what else to do..
Finally you found a way to cope,
You found your first blade inside of a pencil sharpener
Maybe you should’ve started when you were younger.
Waking up every day knowing it could’ve been your last,
You loved to see the pretty little lines
Seeing the blood shed like the color of Red Vines.
The pleasure of hurting yourself,
So you don’t have to hurt others for their actions
Wearing scares on your wrist was the new fashion

Looking back, I wonder to myself,
‘Why didn’t anyone see the signs?’
All they needed to do was read between the lines.
I was always told,

‘If your smart, you can make a blade out of anything.’
But that’s when I turned to writing.
By the time, I’ve lost one of my best friends,
She was my cousin
But we went together like a 1,000 piece puzzle.
I couldn’t believe what was happening,

She was so young
I left like a knife stabbed my left lung.
I never got to say good-bye,
She didn’t deserve to leave like this
She was so sweet like a candy kiss.

She was my partner in crime,

We have some great memories together

That day I found out, my world turned gray like the weather.

Looking back on everything on the passed,
Writing was my only hope

But incase something else went wrong, there was always that rope.
I started going to counseling to cope with the depression,
My councilor was a very nice woman who never judged me

She made me realize what I could be.
I’ve went through so much when I was young,

I was even molested as a child

That has always held me back from a lot of things for awhile.
I never felt like I was good enough,

Everything about me was always different from everyone else around me
Sometimes even my family would agree.

I’ve seen a lot of things my family had went through,
Even the most horrific scenes

My older cousins had went through the most as young teens.
I was the only one to wonder why they did these things to their selves,
Taking pills, using blades, even being found unconscious at times
I couldn’t understand why they were a victim to these harmful crimes.
As I got older, I slowly started to understand more & more about everything that was happening,

I finally understood why the best one was put in the insane asylum 

Only for them to make her become silent.

Looking back on everything I’ve witnessed as a child,
I could only stand on the sideline & watch everyone go through pain

Only to still have those images in my brain.

Soon, I started 3rd grade in a new school,

A private school to stay away from the bullying & negativity 

It wasn’t long before the feeling of captivity.

They always claimed to be Christians or pushed religion down our throats,

But what part of the Bible tells you to bring a kid down to their lowest point?
You might as well have had me at gunpoint.
Every single thing I did wrong you pointed out in front of everyone,
Right then I had my first taste of hopelessness & depression

Bullying little kids & having them think less of themselves was your obsession.
A grown lady who had her own flaws but always pointed out everyone else’s,
I’ve never heard an adult tell a young kid that they were never going to amount to nothing 

You made me question every single thing.
Your evil, vicious words always stuck in my head,
I questioned myself so much that I even changed the clothes that I wore
I always walked into that school with my head towards the blue floor.
I was never going to be good enough for anyone, not even for my own family,

Looking back on the summary of Isabell’s life,
I have became stronger than ever before as a person for the better
I’ve thrown away all the torn, old dead letters.
It is time to create new chapters,

My motto is, “Good vibes only.”
And there will be no more getting lonely.
This new book has only one master,
I’m glad I found a new, different kind of love

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It’s definitely something I’m proud of.
Stay positive & show everyone your best work,
Don’t ever let anyone tell you, you’ll never be good enough
They’ll never know that your the one thats had it rough.
Put your all into everything you do,
Stay true to yourself & you’ll be a diamond in a rhinestone world
Then people will really want to be in the same dream world.

 

 

 

©2017          Isabell Rivera

This poem is about: 
Me

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