How is it possible to feel so empty when there is life growing inside me?

I’ve asked that question every day for the past three months

when finding out

I made a mistake

Of a few minutes,

But a mistake nonetheless.

 

He was so charming,

A contrast to my mourning.

For a few moments of nothing but speaking,

Joking ,and laughing

I forgot all my sadness.

With him, it was easy.

 

That night, filled with music, streamers and the sharp scent of alcohol,

Finally caught up to me.

For the first time since Mom and Tina was placed in the ground,

I couldn’t see their closed eyes,

Which would never open again.

I was able to forget.

The scotch and three beers inside me

,Prevented thinking about memories of destruction.

 

The haziness lurking around in my mind, both protected and exposed me.

I made a stupid decision.

He asked me to come up with him,

Flashing those pearly teeth, a twinkle in those silver eyes.

In that moment, I couldn’t say no.

 

Once I found out all the things he said about me 

On Monday,

I never looked at him.

He was my mistake.

Nor did I tell. 

 

Now I have nothing.

Not my father, sister or mother,

I have no home. 

 

I have nothing but prejudice thrown at me,

A thousand pair of eyes and mouths ,judging, whispering. 

And I have this life growing inside my belly.

A life in which I will never stop working to make happy and safe,

A life that means more to me than my own.

 

I have no dreams or aspirations,

Not for myself but for this life.

This life might become a doctor, actor, photographer or a teacher.

Whatever it may be, I will stop at nothing to support my child. 

I might break my back, arms,legs or go blind,

But I will always love and care for this life.